Joy

Without pain there can be no joy. We would not know how to recognize joy without the capacity to feel and know all that there is besides joy itself.

In our New Age culture, we must be careful to stay authentic within ourselves; feeling our grief, our anger and sadness and our joy. There is a tendency to think if we are feeling pain, then we are doing something wrong. Our thoughts should be positive at all times and our emotions will follow. This philosophy is not only shallow in nature, but keeps us from experience the depth of life. All emotions give us the fullest experience of life and keep us present in each moment to savor the goodness and deal authentically with the challenges we are offered.

Emotional Sobriety does not mean we do not feel our emotions. On the contrary, emotional sobriety creates within us the capacity to feel our emotions fully and deeply. Through this experience, we allow our emotions to inform us of our connections to all aspects of our lives. In informing us of our connections, we can all consciously choose our responses to these connections. Our feelings and emotions are in service to our highest good.

As we become skilled at allowing our emotions to inform us, we develop a capacity for joy as well. The joy of detachment, clarity and choice.

Blessings on your journey to emotional sobriety,

Sally

Safety begins inside....

I've recently been involved in a conversation involving men apologizing to women and making amends for years of oppression. My initial reaction was one of gratitude and the thought occurred to me that, "it was about time." I've been following the conversation, responses and reactions to this video. It's been interesting and I curiously continue to observe. The conversations have begun to revolve around safety and feeling "safe."

These conversations and other conversations we have around "safety" are especially interesting to me as a teacher of Emotional Sobriety. We are all concerned with feeling "safe" it seems. We talk about how safety is important and when we speak our "truth" we don't feel safe and when we do speak our "truth" we feel safe and when we are listened to we feel "safe" and when we are not listened to we do not feel "safe" and on and on and on.

First of all, safety is not a feeling. It's an opinion, judgment or assessment of a situation. It's okay to assess and judge, it's just more effective to own that's what it is. The feeling that we are most likely allowing to go undistinguished is fear. The feeling we feel when we perceive we are not safe is fear. Let's own that too. Owning our feelings and distinguishing them accurately is the foundation of Emotional Sobriety.

So what is safety in the recovery and personal growth circles that we all venture into? I don't know what it is for someone else. I know for me that I judge I am safe when I judge that my opinions and perspective will be heard, whether there is agreement with my point of view of not. Being heard and listened to and respected without a strong emotional charge. When I sit in a circle with others and we take turns, allowing all to share their opinions, listening with a detached curiosity, whether in agreement or not, that creates an environment of "safety." I also think circles like this are characteristic of individuals who have done their own emotional intelligence work and are emotionally sober; or at least striving to be emotionally sober. I do not have fear present then. I simply speak my view and listen to others. Or if I do have fear present, I am able to speak that aloud as well and have it be received with emotional detachment and respect.

There is something significant to me in this conversation about safety for those who are committed to emotional sobriety and maturity. In our culture and especially for women, we are conditioned to look to others for our care. We also look to others for our "safety" and have learned to navigate the emotional land mines around us by not sharing our perspectives or viewpoints and working hard at being "safe." Often this means we try to fly under the radar and don't speak up when there is disagreement or we view an injustice. I think it is an important conversation for men as well as we are all attempting to navigate feeling "safe" and don't always have all the skills to take responsibility for this state of being "safe" ourselves. How we care for ourselves, embrace our own healing and grief work and learn to look within for our "safety" are good first steps to being "safe" and embracing our own emotional sobriety/maturity.

Our "safety" begins within and has to do with noticing when we feel fear and discerning its source. Sometimes we feel fear when we are in a "safe" environment because those old beliefs and wounds are free to come to the surface, no longer hidden deep within. This happens in 12 step recovery circles and other personal growth environments. The feeling of fear may actually be in response to a "safe" environment where we know that we are seen and respected and can no longer hide inside. Odd, but true. Learning to distinguish and recognize these nuisances is also a part of growing emotionally. This is the foundation of Emotional Sobriety.

There are also times when we feel fear and it is old fear like being around someone who reminds us of someone in our history who has hurt us. In this case, the fear is alerting us to a past hurt and danger, but not a current one.

There are yet other times when we feel fear and it is healthy instinct alerting us to the dangers that await us. This may be physical dangers like being in an unsafe neighborhood. We will also learn to trust our intuition and begin to notice emotionally dangerous potential connections with others. When we do recovery and family of origin healing work, our instincts return to us and we can learn to trust them. There are individuals that pose a potential threat to our emotional well-being and our fear alerts us to this. As we maintain a strong connection to our 12 step recovery programs, support circles and commitment to emotional sobriety, we learn to trust these instincts. We can trust this over time. Yes we can!

Discerning our own emotional states especially fear is part of creating "safety" in our lives, as this "safety" begins within. As we do our own healing, family of origin and emotional intelligence work, we begin to develop the skills to discern our own feelings. We can then begin to observe and review the characteristics of outside environments and maturity levels of others with whom we choose to relate, or not relate, if that is the case.

Our recovery work, support systems, steps and tools of healing are available to us. We can and will learn to attract "safe" environments, relationships and nurture our own inner knowing and intuition. This begins by feeling the fear, discerning its source and knowing that we are responsible for our safety and emotional sobriety; inside and out.

Blessings on your journey,

Emotional Sobriety Today; Surrendering to the Unknown

Learning to live authentically and emotionally sober, when we have lived out of our old beliefs and fears, takes courage. We must surrender ourselves to a Power greater than ourselves and trust this journey of personal transformation. We look honestly at ourselves, our own codependency, rage, unhealthy emotional connections with others and what it really means to be emotional sober and mature. We risk doing things differently. Here are some tips for transforming old behaviors and unhealthy relationships into authentic, emotionally sober connections:

1) Develop a relationship with a Higher Power. Nurturing this spiritual connection requires daily prayer and meditation. Even five minutes a day will begin to nourish this spiritual practice and provide us with a tool that we can use in our lives on a daily basis. We learn to bring our shame, chronic codependency, fear of abandonment and other intense emotions to our Spiritual practice and then risk learning new ways to interact with ourselves and others.

2) Develop relationships with others in 12 step recovery and/or those who choose to address their own chronic love addiction, codependency and emotionally immature behaviors. Knowing that we are not alone and there are others who have gone before us to share their wisdom and experience makes all the difference. Feeling connected to a personal growth community gives us courage, strength and unlimited resources when we need them.

3) Emotional Sobriety requires great courage as we keep the focus on ourselves and our own compulsive care-taking, rage and fears of abandonment. Continue to look inside, especially when faced with a new insight into self or feeling the tension internally develops emotional capacity. The compulsion to act out emotionally will pass and we continue on our path, seek support and bring our old pain and trauma to our higher power. Looking within and learning self-nurturing is the answer. Seeking support from those on the same journey of emotional sobriety and maturity assists us risking new behaviors and surrendering to the unknown as well.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

The circle....

Years ago I went through a very challenging divorce. I wasn't sure how things were going to turn out. I felt overwhelmed with fear and didn't know how to deal constructively with all the details of the divorce and my emotions related to it. I sought help. I reached out to a woman that I met in a support circle. She was immediately comforting and seemed to know exactly what I was going through. It was an unforgettable moment of grace to reach out to her and develop a relationship with her during and over the years following the divorce. I had struck gold.

Later, once the crisis passed, I asked her about her kindness and understanding. She said that she had gone through almost the exact same experience. She did not know at the time how she would get through it and a friend, who had been through it before her, took her hand and supported her through it all. She was grateful to have shared her experience with me and I was grateful to receive it.

This is the circle of emotional sobriety and support. When we are thrown into difficult situations and we reach out for assistance, the help shows up. Our emotional sobriety is often connected to our spiritual health as well. As we use healthful, personal empowerment tools to weave our way through challenging situations, we learn skills for life. When we utilize a spiritual connection with a Higher Power and do what we can, surrendering the rest, we find we are cared for in unexpected ways. We also learn skills and experiences that can make a difference in the lives of others.

Our difficulties become the opportunities for growth. When we navigate our emotional challenges by reaching out for assistance, developing an empowering spiritual connection and remaining open to learning skills to navigate our emotions with integrity, what we need and want will arrive. Today I know women who seek my support in their challenging relationship issues. I experience it as a privilege to share my own lessons in emotional sobriety with them as was shared with me.

Warmly,

Sally

Exchanging the old for what works.....

Change

Change is not something that comes easily when we look at developing Emotional Sobriety. We often carry ancient patterns of learned behavior from those who have gone before us. It takes time to change these patterns. There are also societal patterns which project messages on to our young people and collective minds which continually put these old beliefs back in the forefront of our minds. We are not taught to speak honesty to one another and to have our angry without raging. We often are not supported in feeling our grief and so it is reinforced in our culture to be strong and shut down emotionally. This is why it is essential that we begin to seek support from individuals and group environments that believe in honoring emotions and using these emotions effectively in our lives. We need to find places that share our value of learning emotional sobriety by first recognizing the destructive patterns we carry with our feelings and learn new ways to hold our emotions and express them constructively.

Interestingly, the Latin origin of the word change comes from “barter” or to “exchange.” This almost suggests that we cannot change an old behavior if we do not have something to replace or put in its place. This is where the tools of our 12 step program and other support circles come it.

Support groups, men and women's circles, 12 step recovery groups are a necessary exchange for old emotions and behaviors associated with that which we want to change. When we begin to see our powerlessness over certain emotions and behaviors in ourselves and others, we are able to expand our perspective and find ways to “exchange” these behaviors for new ones. When strong emotions come up, we practice detaching or setting boundaries or focusing on ourselves. Sometimes we replace those old emotions/behaviors with pray and meditation, or going to a meeting and seeking support from others in recovery. We may even transfer the focus on ourselves and our own family of origin work which allows us to look at the intensity of the emotions tied to our current relationships. We can put those strong emotions where they belong; in our past. We can then deal effectively with the emotions in our present day relationships. We learn to identify the emotions and speak them directly with communication skills that do not attack, blame or victimize ourselves or others.

Change takes time but as we replace old behaviors and emotions for new ways of being, we can transform our relationships with our Higher Power, ourselves and others.

Remember, you are not alone.

With love, Sally

Telling our stories....

One of the things that we learn to do in order to develop Emotional Sobriety is to "tell our story." Telling our story breaks the silence and allows us to feel our feelings and heal. In our speaking aloud what happened to us and the maladaptive behaviors that we learned and acted out, we are able to be received by the hearts of those who witness our telling. We learn more about our own histories and how to hold our emotions with more care and discernment. This is similar to other support circles, therapist/patient relationships and even the "witnessing" that happens in some churches when we speak of a spiritual awakening. It is an essential piece for coming into the light and experiencing the freedom of emotional sobriety.

I've been asked to tell my story in a particular environment for the purpose of highlighting the power of recovery. It's been a long time since I've done this and I find myself stirred up a bit emotionally. I think this is part of the power in our healing. When we speak aloud what has been challenging or painful in our lives, it becomes real and in being real, we feel our feelings around it. In its realness, we can see if from a new perspective as well and know that we acted out our emotions in various ways because we did not know what else to do with them.

When we practice telling our stories and feeling our emotions related to the ways we have been hurt and the losses from our lives, we create a deeper container for holding these emotions. It is healing for us. We learn more about ourselves. Not only do we see the maladaptive behavior patterns that we took on as a result of the co-dependency and addiction in our environment, but we can begin to see new ways to interact with our world. We also see our own progress and how far we have come. We have a choice about our behavior and learn to express our emotions with wisdom and maturity. Our journey of emotional and spiritual intelligence is vibrant and fluid.

Telling our stories offers the opportunity for releasing old buried emotions as well as compassion. We see ourselves in one another. We are able to receive their compassion and also see our own stories with compassion for ourselves. We see our own progress in developing emotional sobriety when we tell our stories and offer inspiration and hope to others.

A friend in recovery has often said, "When I compare myself to others, I always fall short. When I compare myself to myself, I see how far I've come." This is the greatest gift of telling our story.

Blessings to you as you find loving hearts to hold your stories,

Sally

Vulnerability and Maturity

One of the rewards of emotional sobriety is maturity. As we learn to hold our feelings inside for a time, give labels to them and then express them constructively, we increase our own emotional intelligence. We become aware of all of our feelings but are not ruled by them. We don't act them out in rage or internalize them by medicating with food or alcohol, shopping or care-taking others. We develop an internal capacity to hold them, seek counsel when necessary and create circles of support to express our emotions honestly. When we are able to do this, we then welcome the gifts within our feelings. Sadness offers an opportunity to connect with others. Fear teaches us wisdom and guides us in making safe choices. Our anger may lead us deeper to other feelings below or indicate a way that we have been violated. We use anger to set boundaries and protect ourselves.

Learning to be vulnerable, honest and direct with our feelings, needs and wants in our relationship with ourselves and others is a sign of the maturity based on emotional sobriety. We begin to attract people that we can be honest with and who encourage our forthrightness. As we develop e a sense of trust and safety within ourselves, we take more and more emotional risks to reveal who we really are to others. We then learn how to choose trustworthy people. This enables authentic connection, true vulnerability and we are well on the path to emotional sobriety.