Self Responsibility and Accountability for our History

Recently I had an experience in which a friend was hurt by something I said. They interpreted something that I said to suggest they had a lack of integrity. It was challenging for me to actually understand how the communication happened and what exactly was said that was so hurtful because my friend was very angry and defensive. It was hard to get the data and words that were spoken. When I tried to clarify what she had interpreted my comment to mean, there were more accusations and lots of defensiveness. It was quite uncomfortable. My husband actually stepped in and tried to prevent the conversation from escalating and facilitate some neutrality in the communication, but my friend refused. Whenever I tried to speak and recall what I had said, my friend accused me of "wanting to have the last word." It was clear to me quite quickly, that my friend was unable to see her responsibility and be accountable for the history she brought into the interaction. She could only "make me wrong" and accuse me of attacking her integrity. Sometimes this is less painful than focusing on the wound that had been triggered inside.

Afterward, as I discussed it with my husband, we both felt deep sadness for the upset and shared the opinion that there was nothing we could have done or said to have altered the course of the communication. Our friend had an old wound that was triggered. We could guess how she might have been hurt in the past or how her integrity in some other situation had been challenged. Unless she was willing to be accountable for her own history and this past wound, there was not much we could say or do to heal the hurt.

This could have been an opportunity for my friend to see and heal a hurt from their past. My husband and I would have listened with great compassion and understanding and rather than my friend "blaming me" for a playful comment made with no intention to hurt, she could have seen a wound that she carries inside. In our vulnerability, there is an opportunity for healing and emotional sobriety. In our defensiveness and blaming of another for something that hurts inside of us, there is a shell reinforced that keeps that wound encased, never receiving the healing balm of understanding and compassion. I imagine that this wound will get triggered for her again with someone else, or she will keep herself protected from close friendships for fear of this wound being touched again. It is hard to be close to someone who chooses not to see their own shadows and wounds. This is a loss for all of us in this friendship.

In any given miscommunication or difference of opinion between people, there is an opportunity to dig our heels in to be "right" and blame the other. The other opportunity is to take the risk of self-responsibility and emotional maturity and own what is hurt within us. Emotional Maturity and Sobriety requires that we take responsibility for our histories and the wounds that we carry inside. We own our propensity to misinterpret behavior in certain contexts because of how we may have been previously hurt. We share and own our histories. In this way, our friendships and relationships with others can be a joy-filled cocoon in which we can heal and continue to grow rather than a place we must be on guard and protect ourselves. We can heal and deepen in authentic connection with ourselves and others. Without an awareness of our wounds and hurts, we defend and protect ourselves. When we are accountable for our histories, rather than defending and protecting our emotional shells inside, we are able to risk trusting others and we can take responsibility for the wounds and hurts we carry within. We can bring our whole selves into an authentic and emotionally sober connection with others. We grow, we heal, we learn and our relationships are the safe and nourishing places. We are free to be fully self-expressed rather than having a part of ourselves tied up in protecting our wounds and keeping our shells reinforced.

Whether my friend is ever able to see the part of her history in this interaction with me or not, I know that I am offered an opportunity for my own emotional maturity and sobriety. I can see my history of being blamed and hurt by others and can choose to have compassion for her rather than defend myself or my behavior. I know in my heart that my intention was not to wound and although she was hurt, perhaps there is a greater healing to happen that I may not be witness to. This is my intention and prayer. Our spiritual selves and emotional systems want more than anything to heal and we seek healing unconsciously and consciously. I can trust that I do not have to fall into my own wounded history and defend myself and can hold her reactivity with neutrality and detachment. It's her history that has been reactivated and I can bless her with thoughts of healing and empowerment. Even though my friend did not invite us into this painful wound she carries inside, I can still hold her with love and trust she is receiving healing in another way and time. I also can choose to remember that she is wounded this way and protect myself by knowing this limitations.

Emotional Sobriety requires we take inventory of our own histories and hurts. When there is something within that is tapped into or triggered, the greatest healing for ourselves and our relationships is to own that they hurt is happening INSIDE our own emotional systems. We can see it clearly and offer ourselves compassion and understanding. With our close friends and relationships, we can also risk being witnessed in our hurt and allow the freshness of someone's kind heart and understanding to free us from reactivating the hurt again and again.

In owning the emotional wounds of our histories, we welcome an opportunity for authentic connection with others.

Blessing to you all on this journey,

Sally