Following the Energy that Blesses and Honors....

In my prayer and meditation practice over the last three years, there is a consistent theme that comes to me again and again related to maintaining my own emotional sobriety. It is to...

 Follow the energy that blesses and honors.

This has been challenging for me at times, since I did not always know what it meant to "be blessed" nor did I know what it meant to "honor." These things I have had to learn for myself in recovery from my own emotional dysfunction and dis-ease. 

First I learned how to bless and honor myself. What do I really want? How do I take care of my physical body, my emotional self and my spirituality? I learned boundaries; when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Eventually, I began to be able to discern energy that honors and blesses in my relationships with other people. Here are some of the questions that I asked in my relationships with others that allow me to discern whether it is a connection that honors and blesses.

1. Am I receiving as much from this relationship as I am giving? I find that I will develop resentments when I am giving out of a desire to manipulate or control another person or a situation or if I am giving more than I am receiving. I have also found myself involved in relationships with others in which I am giving of my time and energy with little given back from the other. This was a core behavior in my own emotional dysfunction. I thought giving and caring for others meant they would love me. Often, there is even a sense of entitlement from the other person that it is my "responsibility" to give to them. This is not an energy that blesses and honors all involved. An authentic connection with another is characterized by mutual support and appreciation.This, of course, has some consideration when we are parenting, volunteering in service or care-giving in some way for someone who is dependent upon us as in a sick person, elderly parent, etc. But even here we must be clear about our intention and our choice in giving of ourselves. Learning to receive is a large part of my emotional sobriety as is learning to give from fullness within.

2. Is there appreciation, trust and respect in our interactions with one another?  Are both persons in the relationship keeping their word? Can I count on the other person to do what they say they are going to do and to be available when I reach out? Is there shared appreciation for each others' contributions or am I giving consistently without receiving from the other person? One sided relationships are not empowered or emotionally sober relationships and in my opinion, this is not energy that honors and blesses all involved.

3. Is the relationship and the interactions in the relationship primarily joyful and kind or is there an underlying drama and difficulty that permeates the relationship?  Dysfunctional and immature relationships are often characterized by gossip, drama, lots of emotionality and conflicts arising frequently. Women who are in competition with one another will often display these behaviors and not know how to be authentically intimate with each other. There is conflict and disagreement that occurs in any relationship, but if this is the overall energy of the relationship, then I choose to honestly question whether it is a relationship that honors and blesses and take action accordingly.

4. Lastly, it is my opinion that a relationship that honors and blesses has a primary focus on supporting one another in pursuing their visions and dreams for their life. Does the relationship support the manifestation of divine purpose of the individuals involved?  Again, there are always situations that are difficult and challenges that occur within any relationship, but the question remains pertinent to the overall functioning of the relationship. Is most of the energy being used in the relationship to support and encourage one another in the pursuit of that which matters most or is the energy around drama, blaming, gossiping and difficulty? 

Learning to follow the energy that blesses and honors begins with blessing and honoring self and then extends outward to others and the world around us. As I continue to maintain my own emotional sobriety and learned empowering behaviors, I learn more about myself and creating relationships full of honor and blessing. I've sadly chosen to set certain boundaries in relationships with others and leave certain relationships when I noticed the giving was one sided on my part. I've also seen myself attracted to individuals and then spend a good deal of my time and energy trying to get their approval and acknowledgment. This was my own wounded patterns emerging and I realized some internal work needed to be done as well. 

Today I pay attention to what feels good inside when I meet people and in my current relationships. My heart is generous and open, offering blessing to many who wish to receive it. Yet, I am responsible for honoring this part of me and being sure that my heart and gifts are offered to those who are able to receive and appreciate the giving. 

I do a good deal of volunteer and service work. I find that I want relationships that I can go to where I can be nourished and supported as well to balance out the giving. Having mutually supportive, mature, emotional sober and healthy relationships allows for our own replenishment and fulfillment which allows us to go out in the world in service.

Following the energy the honors and blesses allows me to experience the abundant resources available to me on a spiritual, physical and emotional level. I am grateful that I have done the self-esteem work that enables me to receive and attract energy that blesses and honors. 

I wish you courage in doing the same.

In love, 

Sally

Making Amends

One of the ways that I maintain my emotional sobriety and healthy connection to those I love is through taking responsibility for my behavior and making amends when appropriate. Of course, when appropriate, is a subjective call. Someone else might think I owe an amends or apology when I do not and I may want someone to apologize to me when they do not see reason or cause. All I can really do for myself and to maintain my own emotional sobriety, is to rely on my own values to help me determine the when appropriate is present. Making amends within the concept of my own value system and when I act outside of it, is my own measurement for maintaining emotional sobriety.

What is important to me in my relationships with others? And, when I do not live within these values, how do I handle this lack of integrity? What can I do on my end, to handle my part or my own incongruence since this is really all I have control over in the end?

When I have treated someone else disrespectfully, this contradicts the way I want to live my life. While I know that this will occur on occasion, I also know that when I take responsibility for these mistakes and apologize to the individual that I hurt, this will restore my emotional integrity and inner balance. It will often take a swallowing of pride and giving up of an ego driven desire to be right, but I find this a small price to pay to restore inner peace and wholeness.

I also notice that this tool of making amends deepens authentic intimacy in my relationships. There is no relationship of any value or substance that will not, on occasion, come into conflict and disagreement in which individuals may behave, well, shall we say, not as they might have wanted to behave. This occurs in our closest relationships, most often, as it is in these close connections that we have the most opportunity for our wounded selves to emerge and hopefully, learn and heal. But this, really is another blog topic. 

For now, healthy conflict resolution and emotional sobriety must include responsible self reflection and ownership of behavior and an ability to make amends when appropriate. 

Recently, I owned my behavior with a friend/professional contact. She thanked me for my ownership and then she owned what she believed was her part in the difficulty we had. After a few conversations, we both came to a deep appreciation of one another for our willingness to look to see what our personal and individual responsibility was in the upset. We both have the experience that there are not many people willing to look so thoroughly and honestly at their own side of the street, so to speak. Our connection has been restored, but more than that, our connection to our own selves has deepened. We both learned from the interaction and believe we have matured and grown as well. 

Take a deep breath, look inside and see where there is a resentment or hurt about a relationship or someone in your life. 

Focus on what you brought to the difficulty and where you may have contradicted your own value system with your behavior.

Think about apologizing and making an amends to this person and see what happens from here. If contacting them directly is not an option, own your part and share with another person so you are witnessed. Then, hold the person that you owe an apology with great care and love in your own heart and mind. This, in itself, is a powerful amends. 

Making amends and being fully responsible for our part in our relationships is not easy, some of the time, but in my experience, the value for doing so is immense. 

Blessings on your journey to emotional sobriety, 

Sally

Got Gossip?

Gossip is so much a part of our culture, really. Look at the magazines we read and the television shows that are most popular. They often revolve around petty dramas, back stabbing scenarios and a spotlight on the details of others' lives. It's hard to escape in our workplace, families and even in our so called recovery and personal growth circles and support groups. Gossip is everywhere.

Personally, I've been involved with personal growth and support circles for over twenty years, some of which have been professionally facilitated and others which are not. Each circle that I have been in has asked its members to refrain from gossip. This is consistent in 12 step communities, women's circles, educational and professional trainings and various other personal development groups of which I have participated. It seems a very difficult boundary for individuals to respect, however. It still goes on in each of these environments. It's curious to me as well. I often wonder - What is our payoff for gossiping? Why is this such a difficult behavior for people to give up? What is so challenging about honoring the no gossip guideline as a value in healthy communications and relationships?

Here are some of my own reasons and thoughts about why it is so difficult a behavior to honor:

*When we close the door on badmouthing someone else, we are forced to sit with our own uncomfortable feelings about the relationship. We must look inside and sit with what is stirring inside of us rather than over focusing on someone else. With the door to gossip shut tightly, we have no place to act our discomfort out by gossiping about someone else. It is emotionally uncomfortable to sit in this emotional turmoil.

*When we want to do so, we can find agreement for our judgement and criticism about someone else. This always eliminates the need and responsibility we have to look at our own part. 

*There is authentic intimacy that comes from handling conflicts with someone else face to face. When we do this, rather than go behind someone's back and talk about them, we have to deal with our own issues of intimacy. When we go eyeball to eyeball and talk about our hurt, our anger and our judgements with the person we have the challenges with, we are forced to be intimate and confront our own internal patterns around closeness and conflict. This takes great courage and many are not willing to face their own fears of intimacy this way, breaking old, comfortable patterns of handling difficulty. It requires great courage to venture out into new ways of living, even if the old ways do not serve our values, the old ways are still comfortable and familiar.

*When we have low self-esteem and are shame-based individuals, we will do anything to avoid feeling bad about ourselves. Gossiping about someone else can be a way that we try to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. Unfortunately, this doesn't work. We are left with the original issue and on some level, gossiping about someone else will add to our bad feelings about ourselves. 

*It's easier to go away when conflict happens and use this as a coping mechanism. One will never move beyond a certain level of intimacy and connection this way, but again, it may be the payoff. Intimacy and authentic connections with others require bold and courageous hearts that look within.

*Often it seems easier to gossip about someone and make them wrong rather than see the pattern that we have in our own lives with others. We probably used the gossip pattern or running away pattern as a survival behavior when we were young. 

*We also have unrealistic expectations of those we are in relationship with. It is because we long to have someone we can trust and count on, unlike our original families where we were hurt and unsafe. When those we love finally disappoint us, which they will, we feel justified in gossiping about them and making them wrong. We do this so we can avoid the original deep hurt inside. Since our childhoods have involved hurt in relationships, without working through this internal patterns, it is inevitable that we will recreate them in our relationships. We just make them bad and wrong and go away rather than see this original pattern set up in early childhood. 

Here are solutions to apply in order to learn how to handle our conflicts with authenticity;

1) Embrace the value of no gossip. Close the back door on talking about other people behind there backs. Close the door on hurting others this way.

2) Be with the discomfort of your own internal feelings when conflict occurs with someone else. What is it that feels so painful, that is stirring inside? Be willing to look at patterns in your early life of how conflict and anger was handled in your family. What role did you play and how do you recreate that role in your relationships today?

3) Learn Clean Talk (www.shadowwork.com) or another conflict resolution or clean communication technique which teachers self-responsibility in high intensity emotional situations and conflicts. Remember that the angst and difficulty that is going on emotionally, is taking place inside of you. Instead of blaming someone else, see what is really happening inside your own emotional energy system.

4) Take the risk of ownership and vulnerability with another when conflict arises. This is a sign of growing maturity when you are willing to speak to the person with whom the conflict has occurred. Speak directly and honestly with them, owning your own part and what wound has been triggered from within in the relationship. 

5) Develop and nurture a rich spiritual life. Meditation and prayer are powerful tools for assisting ourselves in growing in maturity and emotional sobriety. Our authentic connection with a Spiritual Source or Spiritual Guides is a great resource for teaching us self-love, compassion, wisdom and awareness around our own behaviors. 

Remember, emotional sobriety means that we hold our emotions, old patterns and learned dysfunctional behavior with maturity, inside our own energy systems. We use our support structures and partners on our spiritual journey to seek wisdom and understanding about these old patterns. We practice new behaviors and take risks in being vulnerable and open, rather than running away or gossiping and making others bad and wrong.  

Emotional sobriety is a foundation of authentic intimacy and connections with others. Disciplining our own hurtful and immature emotional patterns is an necessary door to close in order to open a path for true intimate connections with ourselves and others. 

Remember, it is not easy. If it were, everyone would be doing it. And while the journey to emotionally sober and authentic relationships can be lonely, there are others on this path. The intimacy that comes out of emotional maturity is the most profound and joyful of connections. It is well worth the challenges along the way. 

With love as we journey together, 

Sally

Detaching with Love and Compassion

    I hate not getting my way! Please tell me there are others of you out there in the world. Come on....you can tell me. It'll be our little secret.

    It's not that I don't know how to share, or let someone else have a turn. I do. It's more related to big decisions related to my family, my children and my husband. I want others to do what I want them to do, but mostly it is with my family. I don't tolerate irresponsibility well and when I think our children are lacking individual responsibility, I want to take action, set boundaries and allow for the natural consequences of these choices. Unfortunately, my husband and I do not always agree on what it means to be responsible and/or lacking in individual responsibility. These things are obvious to me. Why are they not obvious to him?!

    Okay, okay. So maybe I have some self-righteousness about it all. I'm pretty sure I am right and we should adjust our actions according to my way of seeing things. Chances are I do see some things than perhaps my husband is now able or willing to see right now; especially related to his son. But still, we have to live together, eat together and reside in the same bed together. How do I live in harmony and joy with him when he is not open to my way of handling a situation?!

    Detaching with love and compassion is the way. It feels impossible at times, to be able to simply detach. Most especially when there seems to be so much at stake, but I think it is the way to go. Internally, I must tap into the resource of the Divine Connections and Guides, ask for their help in letting go of having it my way and breath deeply, receiving some comfort and release. I want to detach with love as well since I am well practiced in detaching with anger and I'll show you energy. Just letting go, trusting and turning it over to the Divine resources available, not only to me, but available to my husband and son. This is a great reminder. I am not the only one who loves my son or may think, with certainty, what is best for him. 

    In detaching with love, I can also get clear about my own boundaries and tolerance for my children or husband's behaviors. I can say where the line is drawn with money or time given that affects me. This is good to note; what I have a choice about in terms of self-care, and what is best left in Divine Care (like trying to get my husband to do it my way.)

    That's why I write. When I start with what is most challenging in my emotional life and share knowing that I will be witnessed by another, some answer and clarity emerges from within. There is still discomfort in sitting with not getting my way but it's not as intense and I have a wider perspective. 

    I'd still like to know what you do when you don't get your way. Come on. Tell me the good stuff. We need to bond together. I won't tell. I promise. I'm listening........

Soon, 

Sally

 

In the beginning....

Emotionally sober, as is defined in the dictionary, refers to a feeling state and sober as solemn and serious. Let's face it. This doesn't sound like much fun. I chose the term to, hopefully, attract readers and thinkers and feelers who are interested in emotional health and even vibrant and authentic connections in relationships. It's also something that I know a little bit about since I've been involved with addiction recovery for twenty years. I even wrote a book. Check out www.cosexaddiction.com for more information or go to Amazon or a local bookstore. The book is all about confronting the addictive dynamics in relationships and creating authentic intimacy. Here is a brief overview;

   In order to begin to live authentically, we must first confront our inauthenticity. Looking at our addictions, either in substance or behavior, is foundational. From this place of doing family of origin and grief work, we find ourselves and begin to embrace our emotions as a means of full expression and clarify our own values in order to live with integrity. Now comes the good stuff. Once addiction is addressed and transformed, our energy is free to explore our Higher Purpose and Divine Destiny. This is where we connect with our Spiritual Guides and Soul Partners. We discover our Divine Purpose and share our gifts with others. We are now in sacred service and our lives will be fulfilled. 

While I do not have any overt substance addictions in my life today, I still find myself challenged with my own low self-esteem and difficulty in setting boundaries. When I ask for what I want or confront enabling or disrespectful behavior, there is still a message inside that tells me that I don't deserve or if only something were not wrong in some way with me, I wouldn't want or need this boundary or request to be fulfilled. The dis-ease becomes more subtle. My awareness and intuitive sense, however, becomes more sensitized as well. This is good. I have more available within my own emotional and intuitive resources to draw upon. 

Together we'll explore what it means to live Emotionally Sober and Authentically Connected. For today, let's just say breathing deeply and owning our own addictive tendencies is the beginning. 

Good start, for a beginning.

To joyful and authentic relationships, 

Sally