Generosity

How does generosity coincide with emotional intelligence and sobriety? Well, I am not sure myself, I just know that it does. At least my intuition is telling me this today so as I explore it with you perhaps we can discover the connection together.

For me, generosity of spirit is important. It means honoring that part of us that desires to give to others. I believe we are born generous, with a desire to connect, belong, share and care. I also believe that we must be allowed our selfishness to really embrace our generous spirits. If I am able to say "no" and hold with strength my own thoughts, feelings, wants and boundaries, I can then say "yes" with the same authenticity and share from my own fullness with generous vibrancy. As I honor this in myself, I am able to honor it in others as well.

It's a mystery and paradox of the emotional world. When we say "no", we have the freedom to say "yes." Furthermore, I believe to the extent that we embrace our own selfishness, is the extent that we are able to give a full hearted "yes" when we mean "yes" and demonstrate generosity.

So, here is the paradoxical connection between generosity and emotional sobriety. When we allow ourselves with honesty and courage to own our selfishness, we are able then to more fully express our own generosity. To grow in Emotional Sobriety, to allow our emotions to add richness and depth to our lives without ruling our lives, means we must be willing to own our own shadows. In owning our shadows, we are able to also own and express our gifts and light.

Emotional maturity and sobriety takes time to develop. We learn to take care of ourselves and keep our heart open and free. In doing this we have a natural desire to give to others and share from our heart. We are not holding ourselves back for fear of something being taken away or demanded of us. We are in charge of ourselves and in this power to act, think and speak as we choose, we give without restraint.

We we care for self first, we are able to give from the fullness within. This is the foundation for generosity of spirit, heart and soul.

Sally

Tolerating Discomfort

I want to be comfortable. So do you, admit it. We do all we can do to be comfortable and not have to deal with discomfort or inconvenience. We have conveniences everywhere. Music we carry around with us, computers to access infinite amounts of information at a touch, microwaves for instant meals, cash machines to avoid the inconvenience of old fashioned banking and even instantly available drive through food.

But the journey to spiritual and emotional maturity that many of us claim to want to explore requires us to have the experience of discomfort. There is something that occurs within our emotional and spiritual selves that matures through the experience of discomfort. Our capacity for tolerating the mystery of life expands. We begin to develop an energetic space for the unknown, for patience, for allowing life to unfold in divine timing, not always our own timing.

Now, I am not talking about learning to tolerate abuse or intentionally inflicting hurt on someone else and justifying it. I am referring to the necessary tension that comes with growth and learning to develop our healthy capacity to hold this tension and discomfort. I see parents doing more for their children than is necessary and teenagers who've never been required to work or grow from the consequences of their own choices. Money is given freely and anything that a child wants, they are given, without any requirement on their part to contribute or experience any discomfort. I think we are raising lazy, unmotivated children who will become lazy and unmotivated adults. Not because they are bad or internally flawed, but because they have not been allowed, by well-meaning parents, to navigate their way through the strain and tension of the necessary stages of growth.

Tension is a necessary component of any type of growth or metamorphosis. Learning to tolerate the tension and the discomfort is a necessary skill to nourish and hold this capacity for movement and growth.

Years ago when I sought counseling with an eating disorder as a bulimic, I recall speaking with a Social Worker. I was actively purging my food and wanted to stop. I could not, no matter how hard I tried. I knew I needed help and had enough self-esteem and desire for change that I sought assistance. She wanted to talk about my family, how I grew up and how I was "feeling" in my life, although I really had no clue what this had to do with actively purging my food on a regular basis. Finally during a weekly session, in utter frustration at the futility of these ongoing inquiries, I stated very loudly, "I don't want to talk about my family! I want you to tell me how to stop throwing up my food!"

"You must learn to tolerate your feelings," was her answer.

At the time, I was more confused than ever. Tolerating feeling was not a part of my vocabulary. I did not even know what my feelings were. Today there is more understanding. I had not learned how to experience uncomfortable feelings, nor did I have any tools or skills for expression and releasing emotions in a healthy way. The emotional discomfort built up inside me. The tension would build over and over again until I would finally find myself in a compulsive binge and purge cycle with food. It was my only release and at the time, I had no idea that it was related to my emotions or my inability to tolerate them.

This is one example, albeit perhaps extreme, of my own inability to be uncomfortable emotionally. I had to learn to use my discomfort and hold it in a way that would allow me time to choose the best course of action, if there was a course of action to be taken. I learned tools to express my emotions as well after I learned to identify what those emotions were. I also developed support circles and friendships in which I could talk about what was going on for me emotionally and began to develop practices like meditation and regular exercise as a more productive expression and release.

Today, I have more tolerance for discomfort and the ability to hold it within me. While holding it, I am able to access my own values to assist me in choosing a course of action. I will prayer for a time when I am not sure what to do and allow the tension and discomfort to give way to transformation and the unfolding of an elegant solution. When I rush to "make things happen" rather than be with the discomfort for a bit, I interrupt the natural flow which often brings a resolution not previously imagined possible. There is something empowering about trusting the tension and learning to tolerate the discomfort within myself and support this process for others.

Here's to discomfort and tension!

Sally

Breathing Deeply and Spitting in the Wind

One of my most used and effective tools in maintaining my own emotional sobriety is breathing deeply. Really. When I am stressed, feeling fear, wanting to react or am at a loss for words in a conversation, I remind myself to breathe and breathe deeply. Can it be this simple? Well, breathing deeply takes practice and awareness but once mastered, breathing deeply can actually be used in a variety of circumstances with quite positive results or at least to avoid negative consequences.

Here are a few of the ways in which breathing deeply first really comes in handy:

*right before I ram the driver ahead of me who just pulled out in front with no signal in fast moving traffic

* right before I take the glass of water I am drinking and throw it in my partner's face to jar him from his defensive posture

*right before I sit to meditate for a moment of spiritual connection and allow the many to do list items to run through my brain

These are just a few examples of how simply breathing deeply will assist me in maintaining or at times, recapturing my emotional composure so that I am able to choose my responses to a situation rather than be at the cause of my reactions. When I notice I am not breathing deeply, it is a signal to me that I may be overworked, overwrought or overanxious. Again, reminding myself to breathe deeply becomes a grounding and connection experience.

What are some situations in which you might find breathing deeply a welcomed option? Looking forward to your stories.

Sally

Self Responsibility and Accountability for our History

Recently I had an experience in which a friend was hurt by something I said. They interpreted something that I said to suggest they had a lack of integrity. It was challenging for me to actually understand how the communication happened and what exactly was said that was so hurtful because my friend was very angry and defensive. It was hard to get the data and words that were spoken. When I tried to clarify what she had interpreted my comment to mean, there were more accusations and lots of defensiveness. It was quite uncomfortable. My husband actually stepped in and tried to prevent the conversation from escalating and facilitate some neutrality in the communication, but my friend refused. Whenever I tried to speak and recall what I had said, my friend accused me of "wanting to have the last word." It was clear to me quite quickly, that my friend was unable to see her responsibility and be accountable for the history she brought into the interaction. She could only "make me wrong" and accuse me of attacking her integrity. Sometimes this is less painful than focusing on the wound that had been triggered inside.

Afterward, as I discussed it with my husband, we both felt deep sadness for the upset and shared the opinion that there was nothing we could have done or said to have altered the course of the communication. Our friend had an old wound that was triggered. We could guess how she might have been hurt in the past or how her integrity in some other situation had been challenged. Unless she was willing to be accountable for her own history and this past wound, there was not much we could say or do to heal the hurt.

This could have been an opportunity for my friend to see and heal a hurt from their past. My husband and I would have listened with great compassion and understanding and rather than my friend "blaming me" for a playful comment made with no intention to hurt, she could have seen a wound that she carries inside. In our vulnerability, there is an opportunity for healing and emotional sobriety. In our defensiveness and blaming of another for something that hurts inside of us, there is a shell reinforced that keeps that wound encased, never receiving the healing balm of understanding and compassion. I imagine that this wound will get triggered for her again with someone else, or she will keep herself protected from close friendships for fear of this wound being touched again. It is hard to be close to someone who chooses not to see their own shadows and wounds. This is a loss for all of us in this friendship.

In any given miscommunication or difference of opinion between people, there is an opportunity to dig our heels in to be "right" and blame the other. The other opportunity is to take the risk of self-responsibility and emotional maturity and own what is hurt within us. Emotional Maturity and Sobriety requires that we take responsibility for our histories and the wounds that we carry inside. We own our propensity to misinterpret behavior in certain contexts because of how we may have been previously hurt. We share and own our histories. In this way, our friendships and relationships with others can be a joy-filled cocoon in which we can heal and continue to grow rather than a place we must be on guard and protect ourselves. We can heal and deepen in authentic connection with ourselves and others. Without an awareness of our wounds and hurts, we defend and protect ourselves. When we are accountable for our histories, rather than defending and protecting our emotional shells inside, we are able to risk trusting others and we can take responsibility for the wounds and hurts we carry within. We can bring our whole selves into an authentic and emotionally sober connection with others. We grow, we heal, we learn and our relationships are the safe and nourishing places. We are free to be fully self-expressed rather than having a part of ourselves tied up in protecting our wounds and keeping our shells reinforced.

Whether my friend is ever able to see the part of her history in this interaction with me or not, I know that I am offered an opportunity for my own emotional maturity and sobriety. I can see my history of being blamed and hurt by others and can choose to have compassion for her rather than defend myself or my behavior. I know in my heart that my intention was not to wound and although she was hurt, perhaps there is a greater healing to happen that I may not be witness to. This is my intention and prayer. Our spiritual selves and emotional systems want more than anything to heal and we seek healing unconsciously and consciously. I can trust that I do not have to fall into my own wounded history and defend myself and can hold her reactivity with neutrality and detachment. It's her history that has been reactivated and I can bless her with thoughts of healing and empowerment. Even though my friend did not invite us into this painful wound she carries inside, I can still hold her with love and trust she is receiving healing in another way and time. I also can choose to remember that she is wounded this way and protect myself by knowing this limitations.

Emotional Sobriety requires we take inventory of our own histories and hurts. When there is something within that is tapped into or triggered, the greatest healing for ourselves and our relationships is to own that they hurt is happening INSIDE our own emotional systems. We can see it clearly and offer ourselves compassion and understanding. With our close friends and relationships, we can also risk being witnessed in our hurt and allow the freshness of someone's kind heart and understanding to free us from reactivating the hurt again and again.

In owning the emotional wounds of our histories, we welcome an opportunity for authentic connection with others.

Blessing to you all on this journey,

Sally

Obama and Colonialism

President Obama was in Ghana this past week. It was especially meaningful for my family since we were there last year on the very weekend he visited. He was in Cape Coast at the Slave Castle and we visited the rooms, the cells, the tunnel of no return and saw the shackles and altar honoring tribal men and women's spiritual beliefs, just as he did. It was an important visit for all of us. My stewardess is Ghanian and she watched the television coverage with my husband and me from our home in Nigeria. She was very proud to be from Ghana.

President Obama was both bold and courageous in his speech. He talked of many things but the bravery came in addressing the responsibility of the African countries to work hard and know that the fate of their future lies in their hands. He said the days of colonialism are over. We heard some boos from the crowds and knew his communication was risky. As soon as he said it, my husband commented on his belief that only Obama, an African American man, could speak that into the listening crowd. Not two minutes later, the commentator on CNN said the very same thing. I understood this as a woman. I would not be able to hear a white man telling me that it's time to move on from gender issues or using women's oppression as an excuse for my own responsibility. I could hear from a woman, however, who had first hand experience in living as a woman, experiencing the subtle and sometimes not so subtle, ways in which woman are treated and oppressed. It was a risky statement for President Obama to make and I can easily relate it to my own emotional sobriety or lack thereof.

For me, the real issue that Obama addressed was how to overcome being and feeling victimized in our own lives? This is an important issue. If our goal is emotional sobriety, not being run by our feelings, but managing and embracing our emotions in a way that serves us, then this includes not being overrun by a sense of being victimized in our own lives. We must experience a sense of personal power and choice so that we are not at the effect of the circumstances in our lives. If we are not at the effect of the circumstances and outside influences in our lives, then perhaps we are at choice and prepared for what comes our way. Not only able to handle it with some sense of fluidity and poise, but also growing in the ability to respond with alacrity and preparedness. We can even move into co-creating and positively influencing the circumstances of our lives.

The quandary in my mind, however, is that there was and is often victimization and oppressive injustices that do occur in individual lives and in the collective societal structure. We can not deny that slavery existed and the men and women were traded for coins and held in bondage, without rights and ownership of their own bodies. We can't deny that women have repeatedly been financially oppressed, raped and set up to see themselves as sexual objects and dependent on others outside of themselves. These realities exist. I am also a firm believer that one can not overcome an obstacle or barrier until the reality of the barrier is acknowledged and this is essential with our emotional wounds. We can not heal a loss until we acknowledge that it exists, nor can we forgive a transgression if we deny it took place.

In this situation, more than most, there is a higher level of maturity and discernment that is called for from all involved. There is an acknowledgment of the oppression, of the abuse, of the trauma inflicted and yet we must also be conscious to not enslave ourselves to the resentment, emotional drama and entitlement beliefs that signal the lack of emotional maturity and sobriety. This is advanced level emotional and spiritual maturity which requires us to be in the reality of the maltreatment and injustice but not be crippled and tangled in the smallness of it all. Even as author of this topic, right here and now, I can not attest to living this principle in a powerful way and finding the pinnacle of emotional sobriety from my own victimization. I state it now as a goal and aspiration for myself as well.

Emotional Sobriety and highly function living means to know and fully embrace all the ways that I have been victimized personally in my life and societally without using that reality in a way that keeps me tangled up in resentments, blame and a constant sense of entitlement. If I do this, I also give my energy and emotional vitality over to the mistreatment and abuse of someone else. This vital energy remains captive, without my intention and focus to use as I choose. I now enslave and re-victimize myself.

If I am committed to emotional Sobriety, then I must also be committed to the following:

1. An acknowledge of the ways that I was victimized in my own life and societally.

2. A willingness to grieve these losses such that there is freedom and constructive use of emotions and energy.

3. Take actions that are in alignment with my time, focus and with my commitments in life, not using what was done to me as an excuse for not taking responsibility for the direction of my life, my relationships and my passion today.

I wish I had some magical pills to take or even steps we might try together to move into this very mature and sophisticated balance between grieving and acknowledging our losses and not using them to cripple and enslave us in our lives. I think it takes time, intention and the calling upon spiritual resources to assist in this way. We need emotionally sober relationships with others and circles of support, both personal and professional to learn these advanced living skills.

It's worthwhile, however. I image living my life in such a way that I have used the lessons from ways I have been oppressed and hurt to develop compassion for myself and others. I imagine from this I am able to be of service to others needing encouragement and partnership. I can offer compassion for their pain and losses and at the same time offer a hand in alliance when and if they want to work on behalf of their own lives and empowerment. This includes economic, spiritual and emotional liberation.

I think an emotionally sober life calls from within us the responsibility to give up our victimization and at the same time to be present to ours and others emotional and various injustices. For me, this requires a connection to a Spiritual Source. I need to be in communion with a power greater than myself that can and will heal and transform my ego wounds and pain.

The way to making a difference for others who are oppressed is first welcoming and allowing a difference in our own lives. We must be willing to authentic grieve and embrace ways we have been oppressed and victimized and do the further healing and empowerment work to keep from using this injustice to keep ourselves enslaved as victims.

Together we can,

Sally

Authentic Gratitude

    When I first began my personal journey of recovery and healing from my own addictions and began to seek emotional sobriety, I heard people in my support circles speaking about gratitude. Often, I would feel annoyed thinking that they were just in denial and not dealing with the real issues. How could people feel gratitude when dealing with their own character flaws and losses from childhood? At times I also judged that they were feigning gratitude as a way to avoid the real pain they were feeling. It took me time to experience emotional sobriety which led to authentic gratitude. I think they come hand in hand. Slowly, I began to feel some gratitude as I started to experience my own authentic feelings. I'd have moments of deep grief and moments of ecstatic joy. Overtime, these emotions balanced out, but initially it was an up and down journey. Developing emotional sobriety is like that, I think. First we begin to learn what emotions we are experiencing ourselves and then we learn how to hold these emotions rather than "acting them in" or "acting them out" in unhealthy ways. Once we have this foundation of emotional sobriety, we can be more intentional with our emotions.

    Today, while it can still be challenging at times, I do create intentional attention to gratitude as part of my journey of Emotional Sobriety. I notice the people that honor and bless me. I notice the ways in which synchronicity guides my life and I spend time each day in prayer and meditation. I appreciate the gifts that come my way. Often, I bring the very intense emotions and challenges that I am experiencing to my meditation and prayer practice and my spiritual connection helps to soothe their intensity. When I presence myself to my own Soul Partnerships and Spirit Guides, gratitude is inevitable. I am no longer run by my emotions and in the moments of serenity and calm, there is a sense of goodness and well-being that I experience. I guess in spite of myself, I feel gratitude more and more each day.

     In learning how to hold all of these emotions with grace and maturity, we develop emotional sobriety, which in turn creates the space for more and more gratitude in our lives. While there is a season and time for everything, including authentic grief, I think there is a season and time for gratitude as well. In our emotional maturity, we invite more and more joy and gratitude. This is good.

    Today I encourage you to breathe deeply and simply connect with what is going on inside your body, mind and spirit. Allow yourself to simply be with whatever is there be it gratitude, joy, fear, sadness, etc. Just practice being with whatever is there and inviting your own Spirit Guides and Divine Source to be there with you. As you begin to really anchor and trust the foundation of this Spiritual Connection, you will also begin to connect authentically with yourself. This connection to self and your own divine source creates emotional sobriety and also welcomes authentic grief. This authentic grief will lead you to the experience of authentic gratitude. 

Blessings on your journey, 

Sally

Welcoming Tension and Transformation.....

   Struggle is something we are all familiar with although how we define it may differ. It is an uncomfortable tension and perceived difficulty that causes us to thrash around a bit, either physically, emotionally or intellectually. There is something of spiritual necessity in the tension that is provided if we are open. Nature becomes an important teacher and mirror of this. Learning Emotional Sobriety means learning to be with tension in a healthy way.

   Metamorphosis is the name given of the rapid transformation of larva into a butterfly. The process begins with the female butterfly laying her eggs on a plant. As women and men, we can see this as a mirror of our lives when a dream deep within us is being acknowledged and we germinate a seed in our lives, putting intention and consciousness to this passion within us.

   The larva will emerge from the egg into a caterpillar and spends most of its time eating. As dreamers, this would be the time when we find comfort and nourishment for ourselves and our dreams. We find communities that "watch our back" and welcome our passions. These communities welcome our joy, our anger and our struggle without need to control or change us. These circles are open to our contribution, our growth and diverse perspective, knowing maturing communities grow in this tension as well. Hopefully, we mature together.

   Next, the pupa or cocoon becomes the protective shield while the caterpillar finishes growing. The scientific word for 'cocoon' is chrysalis, which means gold. Most of the transformation takes place with this shield, within the gold.

   Then comes a time of tension. For the caterpillar, there is pushing up against the sticky silken shield to develop strength and wing capacity. If the silken, sticky shield is cut prematurely and the caterpillar's process of pushing against the walls is interfered with, there are dire consequences and death. As human being, perhaps this struggle and tension is our own pushing up against deeply held beliefs that no longer mirror who we are growing into and who we have become. This tension may include questioning those in power, individuating from the communities that have nurtured us and finding our voice in our relationships. It is the time we find our own ability to lead and serve.

   Learning to hold the tension deep within, without "acting it out" or avoiding its discomfort, provides us the strength to emerge free in our own beauty and fly.

   Emotional Sobriety means learning to trust and hold this necessary tension. Emotional Sobriety and maturity comes when we learn to be with the tension and allow ourselves  to connect with our own spiritual resources within. This tension precedes grow and the emergence of strength and transformation.

   May you be blessed with tension and allow it to teach you about the spiritual resources available to you, the magnificent process of mature transformation and emotional sobriety.

With love,

Sally

Following the Energy that Blesses and Honors....

In my prayer and meditation practice over the last three years, there is a consistent theme that comes to me again and again related to maintaining my own emotional sobriety. It is to...

 Follow the energy that blesses and honors.

This has been challenging for me at times, since I did not always know what it meant to "be blessed" nor did I know what it meant to "honor." These things I have had to learn for myself in recovery from my own emotional dysfunction and dis-ease. 

First I learned how to bless and honor myself. What do I really want? How do I take care of my physical body, my emotional self and my spirituality? I learned boundaries; when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Eventually, I began to be able to discern energy that honors and blesses in my relationships with other people. Here are some of the questions that I asked in my relationships with others that allow me to discern whether it is a connection that honors and blesses.

1. Am I receiving as much from this relationship as I am giving? I find that I will develop resentments when I am giving out of a desire to manipulate or control another person or a situation or if I am giving more than I am receiving. I have also found myself involved in relationships with others in which I am giving of my time and energy with little given back from the other. This was a core behavior in my own emotional dysfunction. I thought giving and caring for others meant they would love me. Often, there is even a sense of entitlement from the other person that it is my "responsibility" to give to them. This is not an energy that blesses and honors all involved. An authentic connection with another is characterized by mutual support and appreciation.This, of course, has some consideration when we are parenting, volunteering in service or care-giving in some way for someone who is dependent upon us as in a sick person, elderly parent, etc. But even here we must be clear about our intention and our choice in giving of ourselves. Learning to receive is a large part of my emotional sobriety as is learning to give from fullness within.

2. Is there appreciation, trust and respect in our interactions with one another?  Are both persons in the relationship keeping their word? Can I count on the other person to do what they say they are going to do and to be available when I reach out? Is there shared appreciation for each others' contributions or am I giving consistently without receiving from the other person? One sided relationships are not empowered or emotionally sober relationships and in my opinion, this is not energy that honors and blesses all involved.

3. Is the relationship and the interactions in the relationship primarily joyful and kind or is there an underlying drama and difficulty that permeates the relationship?  Dysfunctional and immature relationships are often characterized by gossip, drama, lots of emotionality and conflicts arising frequently. Women who are in competition with one another will often display these behaviors and not know how to be authentically intimate with each other. There is conflict and disagreement that occurs in any relationship, but if this is the overall energy of the relationship, then I choose to honestly question whether it is a relationship that honors and blesses and take action accordingly.

4. Lastly, it is my opinion that a relationship that honors and blesses has a primary focus on supporting one another in pursuing their visions and dreams for their life. Does the relationship support the manifestation of divine purpose of the individuals involved?  Again, there are always situations that are difficult and challenges that occur within any relationship, but the question remains pertinent to the overall functioning of the relationship. Is most of the energy being used in the relationship to support and encourage one another in the pursuit of that which matters most or is the energy around drama, blaming, gossiping and difficulty? 

Learning to follow the energy that blesses and honors begins with blessing and honoring self and then extends outward to others and the world around us. As I continue to maintain my own emotional sobriety and learned empowering behaviors, I learn more about myself and creating relationships full of honor and blessing. I've sadly chosen to set certain boundaries in relationships with others and leave certain relationships when I noticed the giving was one sided on my part. I've also seen myself attracted to individuals and then spend a good deal of my time and energy trying to get their approval and acknowledgment. This was my own wounded patterns emerging and I realized some internal work needed to be done as well. 

Today I pay attention to what feels good inside when I meet people and in my current relationships. My heart is generous and open, offering blessing to many who wish to receive it. Yet, I am responsible for honoring this part of me and being sure that my heart and gifts are offered to those who are able to receive and appreciate the giving. 

I do a good deal of volunteer and service work. I find that I want relationships that I can go to where I can be nourished and supported as well to balance out the giving. Having mutually supportive, mature, emotional sober and healthy relationships allows for our own replenishment and fulfillment which allows us to go out in the world in service.

Following the energy the honors and blesses allows me to experience the abundant resources available to me on a spiritual, physical and emotional level. I am grateful that I have done the self-esteem work that enables me to receive and attract energy that blesses and honors. 

I wish you courage in doing the same.

In love, 

Sally

Making Amends

One of the ways that I maintain my emotional sobriety and healthy connection to those I love is through taking responsibility for my behavior and making amends when appropriate. Of course, when appropriate, is a subjective call. Someone else might think I owe an amends or apology when I do not and I may want someone to apologize to me when they do not see reason or cause. All I can really do for myself and to maintain my own emotional sobriety, is to rely on my own values to help me determine the when appropriate is present. Making amends within the concept of my own value system and when I act outside of it, is my own measurement for maintaining emotional sobriety.

What is important to me in my relationships with others? And, when I do not live within these values, how do I handle this lack of integrity? What can I do on my end, to handle my part or my own incongruence since this is really all I have control over in the end?

When I have treated someone else disrespectfully, this contradicts the way I want to live my life. While I know that this will occur on occasion, I also know that when I take responsibility for these mistakes and apologize to the individual that I hurt, this will restore my emotional integrity and inner balance. It will often take a swallowing of pride and giving up of an ego driven desire to be right, but I find this a small price to pay to restore inner peace and wholeness.

I also notice that this tool of making amends deepens authentic intimacy in my relationships. There is no relationship of any value or substance that will not, on occasion, come into conflict and disagreement in which individuals may behave, well, shall we say, not as they might have wanted to behave. This occurs in our closest relationships, most often, as it is in these close connections that we have the most opportunity for our wounded selves to emerge and hopefully, learn and heal. But this, really is another blog topic. 

For now, healthy conflict resolution and emotional sobriety must include responsible self reflection and ownership of behavior and an ability to make amends when appropriate. 

Recently, I owned my behavior with a friend/professional contact. She thanked me for my ownership and then she owned what she believed was her part in the difficulty we had. After a few conversations, we both came to a deep appreciation of one another for our willingness to look to see what our personal and individual responsibility was in the upset. We both have the experience that there are not many people willing to look so thoroughly and honestly at their own side of the street, so to speak. Our connection has been restored, but more than that, our connection to our own selves has deepened. We both learned from the interaction and believe we have matured and grown as well. 

Take a deep breath, look inside and see where there is a resentment or hurt about a relationship or someone in your life. 

Focus on what you brought to the difficulty and where you may have contradicted your own value system with your behavior.

Think about apologizing and making an amends to this person and see what happens from here. If contacting them directly is not an option, own your part and share with another person so you are witnessed. Then, hold the person that you owe an apology with great care and love in your own heart and mind. This, in itself, is a powerful amends. 

Making amends and being fully responsible for our part in our relationships is not easy, some of the time, but in my experience, the value for doing so is immense. 

Blessings on your journey to emotional sobriety, 

Sally

Got Gossip?

Gossip is so much a part of our culture, really. Look at the magazines we read and the television shows that are most popular. They often revolve around petty dramas, back stabbing scenarios and a spotlight on the details of others' lives. It's hard to escape in our workplace, families and even in our so called recovery and personal growth circles and support groups. Gossip is everywhere.

Personally, I've been involved with personal growth and support circles for over twenty years, some of which have been professionally facilitated and others which are not. Each circle that I have been in has asked its members to refrain from gossip. This is consistent in 12 step communities, women's circles, educational and professional trainings and various other personal development groups of which I have participated. It seems a very difficult boundary for individuals to respect, however. It still goes on in each of these environments. It's curious to me as well. I often wonder - What is our payoff for gossiping? Why is this such a difficult behavior for people to give up? What is so challenging about honoring the no gossip guideline as a value in healthy communications and relationships?

Here are some of my own reasons and thoughts about why it is so difficult a behavior to honor:

*When we close the door on badmouthing someone else, we are forced to sit with our own uncomfortable feelings about the relationship. We must look inside and sit with what is stirring inside of us rather than over focusing on someone else. With the door to gossip shut tightly, we have no place to act our discomfort out by gossiping about someone else. It is emotionally uncomfortable to sit in this emotional turmoil.

*When we want to do so, we can find agreement for our judgement and criticism about someone else. This always eliminates the need and responsibility we have to look at our own part. 

*There is authentic intimacy that comes from handling conflicts with someone else face to face. When we do this, rather than go behind someone's back and talk about them, we have to deal with our own issues of intimacy. When we go eyeball to eyeball and talk about our hurt, our anger and our judgements with the person we have the challenges with, we are forced to be intimate and confront our own internal patterns around closeness and conflict. This takes great courage and many are not willing to face their own fears of intimacy this way, breaking old, comfortable patterns of handling difficulty. It requires great courage to venture out into new ways of living, even if the old ways do not serve our values, the old ways are still comfortable and familiar.

*When we have low self-esteem and are shame-based individuals, we will do anything to avoid feeling bad about ourselves. Gossiping about someone else can be a way that we try to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. Unfortunately, this doesn't work. We are left with the original issue and on some level, gossiping about someone else will add to our bad feelings about ourselves. 

*It's easier to go away when conflict happens and use this as a coping mechanism. One will never move beyond a certain level of intimacy and connection this way, but again, it may be the payoff. Intimacy and authentic connections with others require bold and courageous hearts that look within.

*Often it seems easier to gossip about someone and make them wrong rather than see the pattern that we have in our own lives with others. We probably used the gossip pattern or running away pattern as a survival behavior when we were young. 

*We also have unrealistic expectations of those we are in relationship with. It is because we long to have someone we can trust and count on, unlike our original families where we were hurt and unsafe. When those we love finally disappoint us, which they will, we feel justified in gossiping about them and making them wrong. We do this so we can avoid the original deep hurt inside. Since our childhoods have involved hurt in relationships, without working through this internal patterns, it is inevitable that we will recreate them in our relationships. We just make them bad and wrong and go away rather than see this original pattern set up in early childhood. 

Here are solutions to apply in order to learn how to handle our conflicts with authenticity;

1) Embrace the value of no gossip. Close the back door on talking about other people behind there backs. Close the door on hurting others this way.

2) Be with the discomfort of your own internal feelings when conflict occurs with someone else. What is it that feels so painful, that is stirring inside? Be willing to look at patterns in your early life of how conflict and anger was handled in your family. What role did you play and how do you recreate that role in your relationships today?

3) Learn Clean Talk (www.shadowwork.com) or another conflict resolution or clean communication technique which teachers self-responsibility in high intensity emotional situations and conflicts. Remember that the angst and difficulty that is going on emotionally, is taking place inside of you. Instead of blaming someone else, see what is really happening inside your own emotional energy system.

4) Take the risk of ownership and vulnerability with another when conflict arises. This is a sign of growing maturity when you are willing to speak to the person with whom the conflict has occurred. Speak directly and honestly with them, owning your own part and what wound has been triggered from within in the relationship. 

5) Develop and nurture a rich spiritual life. Meditation and prayer are powerful tools for assisting ourselves in growing in maturity and emotional sobriety. Our authentic connection with a Spiritual Source or Spiritual Guides is a great resource for teaching us self-love, compassion, wisdom and awareness around our own behaviors. 

Remember, emotional sobriety means that we hold our emotions, old patterns and learned dysfunctional behavior with maturity, inside our own energy systems. We use our support structures and partners on our spiritual journey to seek wisdom and understanding about these old patterns. We practice new behaviors and take risks in being vulnerable and open, rather than running away or gossiping and making others bad and wrong.  

Emotional sobriety is a foundation of authentic intimacy and connections with others. Disciplining our own hurtful and immature emotional patterns is an necessary door to close in order to open a path for true intimate connections with ourselves and others. 

Remember, it is not easy. If it were, everyone would be doing it. And while the journey to emotionally sober and authentic relationships can be lonely, there are others on this path. The intimacy that comes out of emotional maturity is the most profound and joyful of connections. It is well worth the challenges along the way. 

With love as we journey together, 

Sally

Detaching with Love and Compassion

    I hate not getting my way! Please tell me there are others of you out there in the world. Come on....you can tell me. It'll be our little secret.

    It's not that I don't know how to share, or let someone else have a turn. I do. It's more related to big decisions related to my family, my children and my husband. I want others to do what I want them to do, but mostly it is with my family. I don't tolerate irresponsibility well and when I think our children are lacking individual responsibility, I want to take action, set boundaries and allow for the natural consequences of these choices. Unfortunately, my husband and I do not always agree on what it means to be responsible and/or lacking in individual responsibility. These things are obvious to me. Why are they not obvious to him?!

    Okay, okay. So maybe I have some self-righteousness about it all. I'm pretty sure I am right and we should adjust our actions according to my way of seeing things. Chances are I do see some things than perhaps my husband is now able or willing to see right now; especially related to his son. But still, we have to live together, eat together and reside in the same bed together. How do I live in harmony and joy with him when he is not open to my way of handling a situation?!

    Detaching with love and compassion is the way. It feels impossible at times, to be able to simply detach. Most especially when there seems to be so much at stake, but I think it is the way to go. Internally, I must tap into the resource of the Divine Connections and Guides, ask for their help in letting go of having it my way and breath deeply, receiving some comfort and release. I want to detach with love as well since I am well practiced in detaching with anger and I'll show you energy. Just letting go, trusting and turning it over to the Divine resources available, not only to me, but available to my husband and son. This is a great reminder. I am not the only one who loves my son or may think, with certainty, what is best for him. 

    In detaching with love, I can also get clear about my own boundaries and tolerance for my children or husband's behaviors. I can say where the line is drawn with money or time given that affects me. This is good to note; what I have a choice about in terms of self-care, and what is best left in Divine Care (like trying to get my husband to do it my way.)

    That's why I write. When I start with what is most challenging in my emotional life and share knowing that I will be witnessed by another, some answer and clarity emerges from within. There is still discomfort in sitting with not getting my way but it's not as intense and I have a wider perspective. 

    I'd still like to know what you do when you don't get your way. Come on. Tell me the good stuff. We need to bond together. I won't tell. I promise. I'm listening........

Soon, 

Sally

 

In the beginning....

Emotionally sober, as is defined in the dictionary, refers to a feeling state and sober as solemn and serious. Let's face it. This doesn't sound like much fun. I chose the term to, hopefully, attract readers and thinkers and feelers who are interested in emotional health and even vibrant and authentic connections in relationships. It's also something that I know a little bit about since I've been involved with addiction recovery for twenty years. I even wrote a book. Check out www.cosexaddiction.com for more information or go to Amazon or a local bookstore. The book is all about confronting the addictive dynamics in relationships and creating authentic intimacy. Here is a brief overview;

   In order to begin to live authentically, we must first confront our inauthenticity. Looking at our addictions, either in substance or behavior, is foundational. From this place of doing family of origin and grief work, we find ourselves and begin to embrace our emotions as a means of full expression and clarify our own values in order to live with integrity. Now comes the good stuff. Once addiction is addressed and transformed, our energy is free to explore our Higher Purpose and Divine Destiny. This is where we connect with our Spiritual Guides and Soul Partners. We discover our Divine Purpose and share our gifts with others. We are now in sacred service and our lives will be fulfilled. 

While I do not have any overt substance addictions in my life today, I still find myself challenged with my own low self-esteem and difficulty in setting boundaries. When I ask for what I want or confront enabling or disrespectful behavior, there is still a message inside that tells me that I don't deserve or if only something were not wrong in some way with me, I wouldn't want or need this boundary or request to be fulfilled. The dis-ease becomes more subtle. My awareness and intuitive sense, however, becomes more sensitized as well. This is good. I have more available within my own emotional and intuitive resources to draw upon. 

Together we'll explore what it means to live Emotionally Sober and Authentically Connected. For today, let's just say breathing deeply and owning our own addictive tendencies is the beginning. 

Good start, for a beginning.

To joyful and authentic relationships, 

Sally