The circle....

Years ago I went through a very challenging divorce. I wasn't sure how things were going to turn out. I felt overwhelmed with fear and didn't know how to deal constructively with all the details of the divorce and my emotions related to it. I sought help. I reached out to a woman that I met in a support circle. She was immediately comforting and seemed to know exactly what I was going through. It was an unforgettable moment of grace to reach out to her and develop a relationship with her during and over the years following the divorce. I had struck gold.

Later, once the crisis passed, I asked her about her kindness and understanding. She said that she had gone through almost the exact same experience. She did not know at the time how she would get through it and a friend, who had been through it before her, took her hand and supported her through it all. She was grateful to have shared her experience with me and I was grateful to receive it.

This is the circle of emotional sobriety and support. When we are thrown into difficult situations and we reach out for assistance, the help shows up. Our emotional sobriety is often connected to our spiritual health as well. As we use healthful, personal empowerment tools to weave our way through challenging situations, we learn skills for life. When we utilize a spiritual connection with a Higher Power and do what we can, surrendering the rest, we find we are cared for in unexpected ways. We also learn skills and experiences that can make a difference in the lives of others.

Our difficulties become the opportunities for growth. When we navigate our emotional challenges by reaching out for assistance, developing an empowering spiritual connection and remaining open to learning skills to navigate our emotions with integrity, what we need and want will arrive. Today I know women who seek my support in their challenging relationship issues. I experience it as a privilege to share my own lessons in emotional sobriety with them as was shared with me.

Warmly,

Sally

Exchanging the old for what works.....

Change

Change is not something that comes easily when we look at developing Emotional Sobriety. We often carry ancient patterns of learned behavior from those who have gone before us. It takes time to change these patterns. There are also societal patterns which project messages on to our young people and collective minds which continually put these old beliefs back in the forefront of our minds. We are not taught to speak honesty to one another and to have our angry without raging. We often are not supported in feeling our grief and so it is reinforced in our culture to be strong and shut down emotionally. This is why it is essential that we begin to seek support from individuals and group environments that believe in honoring emotions and using these emotions effectively in our lives. We need to find places that share our value of learning emotional sobriety by first recognizing the destructive patterns we carry with our feelings and learn new ways to hold our emotions and express them constructively.

Interestingly, the Latin origin of the word change comes from “barter” or to “exchange.” This almost suggests that we cannot change an old behavior if we do not have something to replace or put in its place. This is where the tools of our 12 step program and other support circles come it.

Support groups, men and women's circles, 12 step recovery groups are a necessary exchange for old emotions and behaviors associated with that which we want to change. When we begin to see our powerlessness over certain emotions and behaviors in ourselves and others, we are able to expand our perspective and find ways to “exchange” these behaviors for new ones. When strong emotions come up, we practice detaching or setting boundaries or focusing on ourselves. Sometimes we replace those old emotions/behaviors with pray and meditation, or going to a meeting and seeking support from others in recovery. We may even transfer the focus on ourselves and our own family of origin work which allows us to look at the intensity of the emotions tied to our current relationships. We can put those strong emotions where they belong; in our past. We can then deal effectively with the emotions in our present day relationships. We learn to identify the emotions and speak them directly with communication skills that do not attack, blame or victimize ourselves or others.

Change takes time but as we replace old behaviors and emotions for new ways of being, we can transform our relationships with our Higher Power, ourselves and others.

Remember, you are not alone.

With love, Sally