Loving Detachment.....

We are successful teachers, lawyers, parents, entrepreneurs, administrators, social service agents and highly functioning contributors in society in many different forms. Internally, however, we sometimes suffer from emotional challenges in our personal relationship with others and in relationship with ourselves. External appearances are easier to maintain for some of us, than doing the emotionally challenging work of internal self-awareness. Emotional sobriety, however, does require that we do some of this internal work. We do it to learn about the behaviors we engage in that we don't want to repeat. We look within to try and understand why we simply can't keep our weight under control or why our relationships seems to have the same challenges again and again with us as the common denominator. Here are some tips for attaining emotional sobriety in our own lives:

1. Breathe Deeply. Learning to be present in the moment begins with breathing deeply and allowing our own awareness to inform us of our emotional and physical states. When we breathe deeply, we are able to meet ourselves in our current emotional state and give name to our emotions.

2. Naming our emotions: sad, angry, fearful, joyful or shame, allow us some facility over the emotion. When we notice we are fearful, we can then connect the emotion to something in our lives and use wisdom and discernment before taking an action. If we do not acknowledge and name the feeling, we will often act it out without the wisdom or discernment needed to choose our action with intention.

3. It is essential in developing Emotional Sobriety that we have support circles in our lives that assist us in our own personal and spiritual work. We must have designated environments to participant within that allow us to separate our old emotional reactions and traumas from our present day living. If we have places that guide us in doing our own grief work, release our trauma from past experiences and hold us accountable for our actions, we are able to live, think and feel more freely in our present day lives. We are able then to make clearer decisions and choices about our lives and not let these old emotional reactions unconsciously run the show. Vibrant support circles that focus on healing old trauma are vital to our continuos commitment to emotional sobriety and maturation.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Resentments

The word "resentment" comes from the word "resent" and loosely translates to meaning feeling deeply, intensive force. The "resent" itself implies resending or to send over and over again. That certainly gives meaning to the word, "resentment" as well.

All in all, we wish to avoid resentments in our lives. To have intensive force of emotion and to feel it again and again implies a distraction or tied up energies. It is not something we wish to create or to have in our lives. Given this information, how do we prevent resentments and keep our energies freed to use in more constructive and intentional ways?

Here are some steps to keeping our emotional systems free of resentments and also handling them when they seem to creep up on us:

1. Pay attention to your emotional selves. Knowing how we are feeling and honoring these feelings allows us the wisdom of our emotions. Some call this Emotional Intelligence; knowing what we are feeling and holding those emotions in order to choose our actions rather than reacting.

2. Become aware of how we "act out" uncomfortable emotions and learn new ways to express and hold these feelings. Identifying that we are angry is a beginning and important step. Knowing that we feel afraid and finding words to express that feeling is essential. Once we identify how we are feeling and give a name to it, we are much closer to have choice about how to express it in a way that serves us and others in our lives.

3. Once we start to pay attention to how we are feeling, learn to identify and own these emotions, we can learn how to express them in productive and self caring ways. Take a class on learning to communication. Ask a professional for dialogues to use in relationships that keep the focus on self without blaming and attacking. I teach a course on Clean Communication that not only assists us in identifying what is going on inside, how we can communication to someone responsibly, but also gives language and validation for asking directly for what we really want for ourselves. Clear communication is a great tool for Emotional Sobriety and teaches us to connect maturely with ourselves and others in our lives.

4. Lastly, keep practicing clean and responsible expression of our wants and needs to keep from developing resentments that keep us disconnected from ourselves and others. We will not learn overnight how to prevent our resentments and take responsibility for our wants, feelings and needs. But, we can learn how to do this over time.

As we learn to care well for ourselves, our resentments will be minimized. We find the courage to say "no" when we mean "no" and "yes" when we mean "yes." With a high level of self-care, we learn to honor ourselves and give to others from a place of fullness within. Resentments become a thing of the past and are replaced with honest, open communication and connection.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Embracing the MYSTERY

Someone that I loved died suddenly this last week. He was a mentor, therapist, colleague and friend. He used to remind me that we were committed to the same thing; healing and transformation. He was active in many organizations committed to healing and had a vibrant practice in which many people sought his wisdom and assistance. I will miss him on this physical plane and will be grateful for the ways he touched my life and the lives of my family members and friends.

With all the emotions I feel about this, I have become aware of a fantasy that I've chosen to confront. In my mind it goes something like, "if I do all the right things, eat all the right foods, deal with my trauma and do my best to live a life of service, I will live a long and vibrant life." Today, I am not sure that is true. My friend did all of those things and he died very young. I am rethinking this fantasy. Part of my own emotional sobriety is surrendering to the unknown of this life and embracing a spiritual perspective.

Embracing the Mystery of life and death is part of living a spiritual life. The word, "mystery" comes from "mystic" which speaks about an "initiated person" and "initiated" comes from the word "beginning." Embracing the mystery in life and being a mystic or initiated person is just the beginning really. There is so much we do not know or understand. All that we can do is go within, trust our own spiritual process and surrender to the mystery of it all.

I wish there was another way to live the spiritual life and emotional sober life other than having to be shocked by so many uncertainties, but I believe that the way of the mystic is to life this way. And to be a mystic means that we hold our emotions in a way that honors all involved. We let our emotions inform us, but not captivate us. We can bring our emotions when shocked or grieved or angered to our spiritual practice and know there is mystery in it all.

Today, I honor the mystery of the spiritual life and embrace the energy of my emotions as part of that honoring. I hold the unknowns, the shocks, the comings and goings of great ones in and out of the physical and spiritual realms as part of the mystery. Dealing with our emotions, giving up our trauma, old beliefs and behaviors will guide us into an unknown and new way of living. Surrendering to the mystery of it all seems the only option to keep us on the edge, trusting and open.

Blessings to you on this great journey of mystery and new beginnings,

Sally

Tiger Woods, Sex Addiction and Emotional Sobriety

I listened to Billy Payne, the chairman of Augusta National and the Masters, on NPR yesterday. He sounded to me like a self-righteous preacher. He has a right to his own opinion of Tiger Woods, of course, and how "he disappointed all of us" but in my opinion, his frustration and anger is misplaced and misdirected. I understand that he has some behaviors that we might have reason to be disappointed about as well including his support of racist and sexist policies at Augusta National over the years.

For those of us in recovery from a substance or behavioral addiction, we know what humility it takes to "admit our dis-ease", seek help and take action for our own healing and maturing emotionally and spiritually. Emotional and behavioral sobriety is not easy. I don't know if Tiger will remain in recovery and continue to walk the walk as he talks the talk, but that isn't the point. Time will tell. His actions, over time, will speak louder than any words he may speak. Learning how to hold his emotions with honesty and sobriety rather than acting them will take time and continued openness.

In 12 step recovery, we have a saying that goes something like "we all grow up in public" as we publicly admit our mistakes, keep ourselves in support groups that understand and continue to take actions to learn how to live clean and sober lives. I have compassion for Tiger as he has given the phrase "growing up in public" a whole new meaning.

Billy Payne said that Tiger was a hero and "he disappointed all of us and more importantly, our kids and grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children." While I think that there might be some truth in this statement that many are disappointed, I am mostly concerned with why we are consistently looking outside of ourselves and our own families for heros and heroines? I've written blog topics recently on "disappointment" and how we will always be disappointment by those we love and those we idolize. It is the nature of our human condition. Perhaps a better tact would be to keep our eyes and focus on ourselves and how we can individually become more mature spiritually and emotionally and strive for integrity in all areas of our lives, rather than consistently looking outside of ourselves for magnificence and the ideals of others.

If we had realistic expectations of others, perhaps we might be able to learn more about compassion and forgiveness and know that we can really only look to ourselves and our individual power to choose as well as a Spiritual Source perfection and the pursuit thereof.

Furthermore, is it not our responsbility as parents, grandparents and adults in general to remind our children that athletes are not gods or goddesses; that they are really simply great athletes. Who they are inside is hard for us to really know. What is important is to see their focus, hard work and passion about their area of expertise as an example of what's possible" for us in our own lives? How can I look inside and find my own passions and values for what I want to do and be in the world and learn from them in this specific way. Our fathers, mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, teachers, et cetera are the places in my own family and community that I must find my heros and heroines rather than looking for heros in media, entertainment and sports. More importantly, how about teaching our children honesty, discipline, integrity and learning out to see themselves and how they live according to their own values and becoming their own hero and heroine in life? While we can admire one's acheivements in any specific area, we need to teach our children that real heroism is about who we become from the inside out and how we can hold ourselves consistently to higher standards of goodness and healthful acheivement. We must teach our children to develop their own value system from within and to follow that with integrity and humility.

Lastly, I always think that when someone attacks, blames and criticizes another with intensity that is it a ploy for avoiding our own unrealistic expectations of others and an avoidance of looking at our own humanness. Heroism is not about perfection as much as it is about authenticity and fully embracing our humanness. As a shadow work facilitator, we teach and also learn about looking within to see and own our own shadows, especially when we are driven to focus on someone else's "bad behavior."

Again, Tiger may or may not choose to remain in recovery or on this path of humility and continued maturing and growth. Whether he does or not does not absolve us from our own responsibility to "see the plank in our own eye" before harshly judging another or taking responsiblity for teaching our children to be their own heros and heroines, by learning humility for their mistakes, finding and living their own passions to the best of their ability and taking responsibility for their own self-improvement. Tiger Woods is a great example of what focus, discipline, hard work and intention can achieve in GOLF. He now has a real opportunity to become a role model in life not IN SPITE of his failings and addictions but BECAUSE of them. Sometimes that which seems to be our greatest downfall can become that which we receive the greatest gifts from.

In any case, the experiences of Tiger Woods, his open admission of responsibility and seeking help with his addictive behaviors CAN become for us a role model of honest living and integrity, even thought learned the hard way. It can also remind us that our heros and heroines and just a mirror of our own humanness and magnificence. Let's keep in all in perspective and keep our expectations of PERFECTION on a Higher Power.

Lovingly,

Sally

Emotional Flexibility

One of the things that makes changing our behavior so challenging is that we get used to things a certain way, even our misery. It's predictable. We can count on it. As adults who bring with them some dysfunctional emotional behavior from addictive family systems, predictability and knowing what we can count on does, in and of itself, create stability. So, taking the risk of "doing it differently" with our emotional expression and behavior, the only behavior we can really change, takes courage. It also requires that we willingly step into the unknown and trust the process of our recovery and trust our Higher Power.

Our empowerment and healing is an emotional and spiritual journey. This journey to emotional maturity requires discipline, focus and commitment. It happens over time and utilizing spiritual resources as well as healthy emotional resources and support is important.

Here are a couple of reminders as we venture into the unknown of changing our behavior in our quest for emotional sobriety:

1. Keep in mind that we can only control ourselves, our emotions and our behavior. Whatever we may or may not do, it may or may not evoke or inspire change in our partners or other relationships. But the peace of knowing we are in charge of our emotions, using them to guide us and choosing our expression around them, is irreplaceable and fulfilling.

2. Support is an important cog in the recovery and healing commitment that we have around emotional sobriety. Check in with someone and get another mature person's detached perspective before having a difficult conversation or when you experience a strong emotional reaction. Getting to the source of the emotions rather than "acting them out or in" is a practice that creates emotional sobriety over time. Check in with someone we trust who has some emotional maturity before we react with strong emotion and then after we've calmed down and understood the source of the emotion we carry. We call this bookending. It a great practice when experiencing intense emotions or practicing new behaviors and utilizes the necessary tool of support in our lives.

3. Pray. Re-member that this is a spiritual program and a spiritual process. Learning from our emotions, taking new actions and letting go of the result is a good practice. Ask your Higher Power/Spiritual Source to guide you and continue to pray for the highest good to come out of the action you have taken, both for yourself and anyone else involved.

4. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. Leaving the familiar dynamics/reactivity we carry within ourselves and that we create with others is uncomfortable. Learning new ways to hold, express and learn from our intense emotions is also uncomfortable. Even when we are not getting the results we want from our behavior and emotional expression, trying new behavior and holding our emotions before acting on them, is uncomfortable. And often, it is scary for the people in our lives as well, so be willing to be uncomfortable when and if others resist our new behaviors and the way we express our emotions in relationship to them.

New habits take time. Learning to recognize the source of strong emotional reactions takes time. Finding and practicing new ways to express our feelings takes time. Re-creating our family tree takes time and increasing our emotional intelligence takes time as well.

Be kind. Be patient. Have compassion and understanding for yourself and remember to forgive when you revert to the old ways of emotional reactivity.

Love and blessings,

Sally

Emotional Sobriety, Self-Care and Divine Purpose

My maternal grandmother was born in Italy on the 6th of January; the feast of the Epiphany. This is a holy day in which Jesus Christ was made manifest and visited by the Three Kings. It was a time that celebrates God made manifest in this human being, Jesus.

While I am not active in the Catholic Church today, I have deep appreciation for the connection and resonance of ritual, ceremony and an honoring of the ancient that I learned growing up in the Church. On this coming feast day, I honor my ancestors, especially my grandmother, my Nona. More symbolically, I reflect upon and honor the ways in which I am called to make manifest the Divine in my world. How can I more purposefully make a difference in the lives of others? Where am I called to share my gifts and express my soul's purpose to be of service?

Emotional Sobriety is the foundation for a vibrant spiritual practice and for making a difference in the world. Healing our own emotional wounds, learning emotional intelligence, allowing our emotions to guide us with wisdom rather than control us with impulsivity is a necessary first step in honoring our divine purpose and destiny in the world.

As the new year begins, it is a good time for me to recommit to practices that nourish and comfort me. Bold self-care has been a theme in the past year and this year it will remain a priority. Journaling, learning to identify my emotions and express them directly and cleanly, doing family of origin work that cleanses and heals past hurts and addictive dynamics must continue.

As I nourish and care for self first through these healthy emotional behaviors, I am filled from within able to give more authentically to others. As I honor my passions and what inspires and enlivens my spirit, I honor the Divine's whispering to me as well. This is the most profound path for making a difference in the world. It begins with tending to our emotional needs and wants, learning healthy communication strategies and grieving our losses from our past. With this emotional maturity as a foundation, we can begin to honor our passions from within. Healthy spiritual practices will continue to nurture our emotional maturity. From this place, we make manifest the Divine in our world and in our relationships with others.

As the New Year unfolds, I invite and encourage a commitment from all that we honor and nourish and care for ourselves above all us. As we do, we can trust that we give to others from fullness and out of an authentic care and love. We no longer take emotional hostages. We assume a healthy responsibility for our emotions and the expression of them as well. When we keep our emotional sobriety and intelligence as a priority in our lives, we are able to connect with our passions. We will find our purpose and divine destiny.

May the year be filled with great self-love, forgiveness for the ways we fall short of our own expectations and the courage to honor that which inspires us from deep within as we make manifest the Divine in our own lives and the lives of others.

Blessings in the coming year,