Emotional Flexibility

One of the things that makes changing our behavior so challenging is that we get used to things a certain way, even our misery. It's predictable. We can count on it. As adults who bring with them some dysfunctional emotional behavior from addictive family systems, predictability and knowing what we can count on does, in and of itself, create stability. So, taking the risk of "doing it differently" with our emotional expression and behavior, the only behavior we can really change, takes courage. It also requires that we willingly step into the unknown and trust the process of our recovery and trust our Higher Power.

Our empowerment and healing is an emotional and spiritual journey. This journey to emotional maturity requires discipline, focus and commitment. It happens over time and utilizing spiritual resources as well as healthy emotional resources and support is important.

Here are a couple of reminders as we venture into the unknown of changing our behavior in our quest for emotional sobriety:

1. Keep in mind that we can only control ourselves, our emotions and our behavior. Whatever we may or may not do, it may or may not evoke or inspire change in our partners or other relationships. But the peace of knowing we are in charge of our emotions, using them to guide us and choosing our expression around them, is irreplaceable and fulfilling.

2. Support is an important cog in the recovery and healing commitment that we have around emotional sobriety. Check in with someone and get another mature person's detached perspective before having a difficult conversation or when you experience a strong emotional reaction. Getting to the source of the emotions rather than "acting them out or in" is a practice that creates emotional sobriety over time. Check in with someone we trust who has some emotional maturity before we react with strong emotion and then after we've calmed down and understood the source of the emotion we carry. We call this bookending. It a great practice when experiencing intense emotions or practicing new behaviors and utilizes the necessary tool of support in our lives.

3. Pray. Re-member that this is a spiritual program and a spiritual process. Learning from our emotions, taking new actions and letting go of the result is a good practice. Ask your Higher Power/Spiritual Source to guide you and continue to pray for the highest good to come out of the action you have taken, both for yourself and anyone else involved.

4. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. Leaving the familiar dynamics/reactivity we carry within ourselves and that we create with others is uncomfortable. Learning new ways to hold, express and learn from our intense emotions is also uncomfortable. Even when we are not getting the results we want from our behavior and emotional expression, trying new behavior and holding our emotions before acting on them, is uncomfortable. And often, it is scary for the people in our lives as well, so be willing to be uncomfortable when and if others resist our new behaviors and the way we express our emotions in relationship to them.

New habits take time. Learning to recognize the source of strong emotional reactions takes time. Finding and practicing new ways to express our feelings takes time. Re-creating our family tree takes time and increasing our emotional intelligence takes time as well.

Be kind. Be patient. Have compassion and understanding for yourself and remember to forgive when you revert to the old ways of emotional reactivity.

Love and blessings,

Sally