Tolerating Discomfort

I want to be comfortable. So do you, admit it. We do all we can do to be comfortable and not have to deal with discomfort or inconvenience. We have conveniences everywhere. Music we carry around with us, computers to access infinite amounts of information at a touch, microwaves for instant meals, cash machines to avoid the inconvenience of old fashioned banking and even instantly available drive through food.

But the journey to spiritual and emotional maturity that many of us claim to want to explore requires us to have the experience of discomfort. There is something that occurs within our emotional and spiritual selves that matures through the experience of discomfort. Our capacity for tolerating the mystery of life expands. We begin to develop an energetic space for the unknown, for patience, for allowing life to unfold in divine timing, not always our own timing.

Now, I am not talking about learning to tolerate abuse or intentionally inflicting hurt on someone else and justifying it. I am referring to the necessary tension that comes with growth and learning to develop our healthy capacity to hold this tension and discomfort. I see parents doing more for their children than is necessary and teenagers who've never been required to work or grow from the consequences of their own choices. Money is given freely and anything that a child wants, they are given, without any requirement on their part to contribute or experience any discomfort. I think we are raising lazy, unmotivated children who will become lazy and unmotivated adults. Not because they are bad or internally flawed, but because they have not been allowed, by well-meaning parents, to navigate their way through the strain and tension of the necessary stages of growth.

Tension is a necessary component of any type of growth or metamorphosis. Learning to tolerate the tension and the discomfort is a necessary skill to nourish and hold this capacity for movement and growth.

Years ago when I sought counseling with an eating disorder as a bulimic, I recall speaking with a Social Worker. I was actively purging my food and wanted to stop. I could not, no matter how hard I tried. I knew I needed help and had enough self-esteem and desire for change that I sought assistance. She wanted to talk about my family, how I grew up and how I was "feeling" in my life, although I really had no clue what this had to do with actively purging my food on a regular basis. Finally during a weekly session, in utter frustration at the futility of these ongoing inquiries, I stated very loudly, "I don't want to talk about my family! I want you to tell me how to stop throwing up my food!"

"You must learn to tolerate your feelings," was her answer.

At the time, I was more confused than ever. Tolerating feeling was not a part of my vocabulary. I did not even know what my feelings were. Today there is more understanding. I had not learned how to experience uncomfortable feelings, nor did I have any tools or skills for expression and releasing emotions in a healthy way. The emotional discomfort built up inside me. The tension would build over and over again until I would finally find myself in a compulsive binge and purge cycle with food. It was my only release and at the time, I had no idea that it was related to my emotions or my inability to tolerate them.

This is one example, albeit perhaps extreme, of my own inability to be uncomfortable emotionally. I had to learn to use my discomfort and hold it in a way that would allow me time to choose the best course of action, if there was a course of action to be taken. I learned tools to express my emotions as well after I learned to identify what those emotions were. I also developed support circles and friendships in which I could talk about what was going on for me emotionally and began to develop practices like meditation and regular exercise as a more productive expression and release.

Today, I have more tolerance for discomfort and the ability to hold it within me. While holding it, I am able to access my own values to assist me in choosing a course of action. I will prayer for a time when I am not sure what to do and allow the tension and discomfort to give way to transformation and the unfolding of an elegant solution. When I rush to "make things happen" rather than be with the discomfort for a bit, I interrupt the natural flow which often brings a resolution not previously imagined possible. There is something empowering about trusting the tension and learning to tolerate the discomfort within myself and support this process for others.

Here's to discomfort and tension!

Sally