Generosity

How does generosity coincide with emotional intelligence and sobriety? Well, I am not sure myself, I just know that it does. At least my intuition is telling me this today so as I explore it with you perhaps we can discover the connection together.

For me, generosity of spirit is important. It means honoring that part of us that desires to give to others. I believe we are born generous, with a desire to connect, belong, share and care. I also believe that we must be allowed our selfishness to really embrace our generous spirits. If I am able to say "no" and hold with strength my own thoughts, feelings, wants and boundaries, I can then say "yes" with the same authenticity and share from my own fullness with generous vibrancy. As I honor this in myself, I am able to honor it in others as well.

It's a mystery and paradox of the emotional world. When we say "no", we have the freedom to say "yes." Furthermore, I believe to the extent that we embrace our own selfishness, is the extent that we are able to give a full hearted "yes" when we mean "yes" and demonstrate generosity.

So, here is the paradoxical connection between generosity and emotional sobriety. When we allow ourselves with honesty and courage to own our selfishness, we are able then to more fully express our own generosity. To grow in Emotional Sobriety, to allow our emotions to add richness and depth to our lives without ruling our lives, means we must be willing to own our own shadows. In owning our shadows, we are able to also own and express our gifts and light.

Emotional maturity and sobriety takes time to develop. We learn to take care of ourselves and keep our heart open and free. In doing this we have a natural desire to give to others and share from our heart. We are not holding ourselves back for fear of something being taken away or demanded of us. We are in charge of ourselves and in this power to act, think and speak as we choose, we give without restraint.

We we care for self first, we are able to give from the fullness within. This is the foundation for generosity of spirit, heart and soul.

Sally

Tolerating Discomfort

I want to be comfortable. So do you, admit it. We do all we can do to be comfortable and not have to deal with discomfort or inconvenience. We have conveniences everywhere. Music we carry around with us, computers to access infinite amounts of information at a touch, microwaves for instant meals, cash machines to avoid the inconvenience of old fashioned banking and even instantly available drive through food.

But the journey to spiritual and emotional maturity that many of us claim to want to explore requires us to have the experience of discomfort. There is something that occurs within our emotional and spiritual selves that matures through the experience of discomfort. Our capacity for tolerating the mystery of life expands. We begin to develop an energetic space for the unknown, for patience, for allowing life to unfold in divine timing, not always our own timing.

Now, I am not talking about learning to tolerate abuse or intentionally inflicting hurt on someone else and justifying it. I am referring to the necessary tension that comes with growth and learning to develop our healthy capacity to hold this tension and discomfort. I see parents doing more for their children than is necessary and teenagers who've never been required to work or grow from the consequences of their own choices. Money is given freely and anything that a child wants, they are given, without any requirement on their part to contribute or experience any discomfort. I think we are raising lazy, unmotivated children who will become lazy and unmotivated adults. Not because they are bad or internally flawed, but because they have not been allowed, by well-meaning parents, to navigate their way through the strain and tension of the necessary stages of growth.

Tension is a necessary component of any type of growth or metamorphosis. Learning to tolerate the tension and the discomfort is a necessary skill to nourish and hold this capacity for movement and growth.

Years ago when I sought counseling with an eating disorder as a bulimic, I recall speaking with a Social Worker. I was actively purging my food and wanted to stop. I could not, no matter how hard I tried. I knew I needed help and had enough self-esteem and desire for change that I sought assistance. She wanted to talk about my family, how I grew up and how I was "feeling" in my life, although I really had no clue what this had to do with actively purging my food on a regular basis. Finally during a weekly session, in utter frustration at the futility of these ongoing inquiries, I stated very loudly, "I don't want to talk about my family! I want you to tell me how to stop throwing up my food!"

"You must learn to tolerate your feelings," was her answer.

At the time, I was more confused than ever. Tolerating feeling was not a part of my vocabulary. I did not even know what my feelings were. Today there is more understanding. I had not learned how to experience uncomfortable feelings, nor did I have any tools or skills for expression and releasing emotions in a healthy way. The emotional discomfort built up inside me. The tension would build over and over again until I would finally find myself in a compulsive binge and purge cycle with food. It was my only release and at the time, I had no idea that it was related to my emotions or my inability to tolerate them.

This is one example, albeit perhaps extreme, of my own inability to be uncomfortable emotionally. I had to learn to use my discomfort and hold it in a way that would allow me time to choose the best course of action, if there was a course of action to be taken. I learned tools to express my emotions as well after I learned to identify what those emotions were. I also developed support circles and friendships in which I could talk about what was going on for me emotionally and began to develop practices like meditation and regular exercise as a more productive expression and release.

Today, I have more tolerance for discomfort and the ability to hold it within me. While holding it, I am able to access my own values to assist me in choosing a course of action. I will prayer for a time when I am not sure what to do and allow the tension and discomfort to give way to transformation and the unfolding of an elegant solution. When I rush to "make things happen" rather than be with the discomfort for a bit, I interrupt the natural flow which often brings a resolution not previously imagined possible. There is something empowering about trusting the tension and learning to tolerate the discomfort within myself and support this process for others.

Here's to discomfort and tension!

Sally

Breathing Deeply and Spitting in the Wind

One of my most used and effective tools in maintaining my own emotional sobriety is breathing deeply. Really. When I am stressed, feeling fear, wanting to react or am at a loss for words in a conversation, I remind myself to breathe and breathe deeply. Can it be this simple? Well, breathing deeply takes practice and awareness but once mastered, breathing deeply can actually be used in a variety of circumstances with quite positive results or at least to avoid negative consequences.

Here are a few of the ways in which breathing deeply first really comes in handy:

*right before I ram the driver ahead of me who just pulled out in front with no signal in fast moving traffic

* right before I take the glass of water I am drinking and throw it in my partner's face to jar him from his defensive posture

*right before I sit to meditate for a moment of spiritual connection and allow the many to do list items to run through my brain

These are just a few examples of how simply breathing deeply will assist me in maintaining or at times, recapturing my emotional composure so that I am able to choose my responses to a situation rather than be at the cause of my reactions. When I notice I am not breathing deeply, it is a signal to me that I may be overworked, overwrought or overanxious. Again, reminding myself to breathe deeply becomes a grounding and connection experience.

What are some situations in which you might find breathing deeply a welcomed option? Looking forward to your stories.

Sally

Self Responsibility and Accountability for our History

Recently I had an experience in which a friend was hurt by something I said. They interpreted something that I said to suggest they had a lack of integrity. It was challenging for me to actually understand how the communication happened and what exactly was said that was so hurtful because my friend was very angry and defensive. It was hard to get the data and words that were spoken. When I tried to clarify what she had interpreted my comment to mean, there were more accusations and lots of defensiveness. It was quite uncomfortable. My husband actually stepped in and tried to prevent the conversation from escalating and facilitate some neutrality in the communication, but my friend refused. Whenever I tried to speak and recall what I had said, my friend accused me of "wanting to have the last word." It was clear to me quite quickly, that my friend was unable to see her responsibility and be accountable for the history she brought into the interaction. She could only "make me wrong" and accuse me of attacking her integrity. Sometimes this is less painful than focusing on the wound that had been triggered inside.

Afterward, as I discussed it with my husband, we both felt deep sadness for the upset and shared the opinion that there was nothing we could have done or said to have altered the course of the communication. Our friend had an old wound that was triggered. We could guess how she might have been hurt in the past or how her integrity in some other situation had been challenged. Unless she was willing to be accountable for her own history and this past wound, there was not much we could say or do to heal the hurt.

This could have been an opportunity for my friend to see and heal a hurt from their past. My husband and I would have listened with great compassion and understanding and rather than my friend "blaming me" for a playful comment made with no intention to hurt, she could have seen a wound that she carries inside. In our vulnerability, there is an opportunity for healing and emotional sobriety. In our defensiveness and blaming of another for something that hurts inside of us, there is a shell reinforced that keeps that wound encased, never receiving the healing balm of understanding and compassion. I imagine that this wound will get triggered for her again with someone else, or she will keep herself protected from close friendships for fear of this wound being touched again. It is hard to be close to someone who chooses not to see their own shadows and wounds. This is a loss for all of us in this friendship.

In any given miscommunication or difference of opinion between people, there is an opportunity to dig our heels in to be "right" and blame the other. The other opportunity is to take the risk of self-responsibility and emotional maturity and own what is hurt within us. Emotional Maturity and Sobriety requires that we take responsibility for our histories and the wounds that we carry inside. We own our propensity to misinterpret behavior in certain contexts because of how we may have been previously hurt. We share and own our histories. In this way, our friendships and relationships with others can be a joy-filled cocoon in which we can heal and continue to grow rather than a place we must be on guard and protect ourselves. We can heal and deepen in authentic connection with ourselves and others. Without an awareness of our wounds and hurts, we defend and protect ourselves. When we are accountable for our histories, rather than defending and protecting our emotional shells inside, we are able to risk trusting others and we can take responsibility for the wounds and hurts we carry within. We can bring our whole selves into an authentic and emotionally sober connection with others. We grow, we heal, we learn and our relationships are the safe and nourishing places. We are free to be fully self-expressed rather than having a part of ourselves tied up in protecting our wounds and keeping our shells reinforced.

Whether my friend is ever able to see the part of her history in this interaction with me or not, I know that I am offered an opportunity for my own emotional maturity and sobriety. I can see my history of being blamed and hurt by others and can choose to have compassion for her rather than defend myself or my behavior. I know in my heart that my intention was not to wound and although she was hurt, perhaps there is a greater healing to happen that I may not be witness to. This is my intention and prayer. Our spiritual selves and emotional systems want more than anything to heal and we seek healing unconsciously and consciously. I can trust that I do not have to fall into my own wounded history and defend myself and can hold her reactivity with neutrality and detachment. It's her history that has been reactivated and I can bless her with thoughts of healing and empowerment. Even though my friend did not invite us into this painful wound she carries inside, I can still hold her with love and trust she is receiving healing in another way and time. I also can choose to remember that she is wounded this way and protect myself by knowing this limitations.

Emotional Sobriety requires we take inventory of our own histories and hurts. When there is something within that is tapped into or triggered, the greatest healing for ourselves and our relationships is to own that they hurt is happening INSIDE our own emotional systems. We can see it clearly and offer ourselves compassion and understanding. With our close friends and relationships, we can also risk being witnessed in our hurt and allow the freshness of someone's kind heart and understanding to free us from reactivating the hurt again and again.

In owning the emotional wounds of our histories, we welcome an opportunity for authentic connection with others.

Blessing to you all on this journey,

Sally

Obama and Colonialism

President Obama was in Ghana this past week. It was especially meaningful for my family since we were there last year on the very weekend he visited. He was in Cape Coast at the Slave Castle and we visited the rooms, the cells, the tunnel of no return and saw the shackles and altar honoring tribal men and women's spiritual beliefs, just as he did. It was an important visit for all of us. My stewardess is Ghanian and she watched the television coverage with my husband and me from our home in Nigeria. She was very proud to be from Ghana.

President Obama was both bold and courageous in his speech. He talked of many things but the bravery came in addressing the responsibility of the African countries to work hard and know that the fate of their future lies in their hands. He said the days of colonialism are over. We heard some boos from the crowds and knew his communication was risky. As soon as he said it, my husband commented on his belief that only Obama, an African American man, could speak that into the listening crowd. Not two minutes later, the commentator on CNN said the very same thing. I understood this as a woman. I would not be able to hear a white man telling me that it's time to move on from gender issues or using women's oppression as an excuse for my own responsibility. I could hear from a woman, however, who had first hand experience in living as a woman, experiencing the subtle and sometimes not so subtle, ways in which woman are treated and oppressed. It was a risky statement for President Obama to make and I can easily relate it to my own emotional sobriety or lack thereof.

For me, the real issue that Obama addressed was how to overcome being and feeling victimized in our own lives? This is an important issue. If our goal is emotional sobriety, not being run by our feelings, but managing and embracing our emotions in a way that serves us, then this includes not being overrun by a sense of being victimized in our own lives. We must experience a sense of personal power and choice so that we are not at the effect of the circumstances in our lives. If we are not at the effect of the circumstances and outside influences in our lives, then perhaps we are at choice and prepared for what comes our way. Not only able to handle it with some sense of fluidity and poise, but also growing in the ability to respond with alacrity and preparedness. We can even move into co-creating and positively influencing the circumstances of our lives.

The quandary in my mind, however, is that there was and is often victimization and oppressive injustices that do occur in individual lives and in the collective societal structure. We can not deny that slavery existed and the men and women were traded for coins and held in bondage, without rights and ownership of their own bodies. We can't deny that women have repeatedly been financially oppressed, raped and set up to see themselves as sexual objects and dependent on others outside of themselves. These realities exist. I am also a firm believer that one can not overcome an obstacle or barrier until the reality of the barrier is acknowledged and this is essential with our emotional wounds. We can not heal a loss until we acknowledge that it exists, nor can we forgive a transgression if we deny it took place.

In this situation, more than most, there is a higher level of maturity and discernment that is called for from all involved. There is an acknowledgment of the oppression, of the abuse, of the trauma inflicted and yet we must also be conscious to not enslave ourselves to the resentment, emotional drama and entitlement beliefs that signal the lack of emotional maturity and sobriety. This is advanced level emotional and spiritual maturity which requires us to be in the reality of the maltreatment and injustice but not be crippled and tangled in the smallness of it all. Even as author of this topic, right here and now, I can not attest to living this principle in a powerful way and finding the pinnacle of emotional sobriety from my own victimization. I state it now as a goal and aspiration for myself as well.

Emotional Sobriety and highly function living means to know and fully embrace all the ways that I have been victimized personally in my life and societally without using that reality in a way that keeps me tangled up in resentments, blame and a constant sense of entitlement. If I do this, I also give my energy and emotional vitality over to the mistreatment and abuse of someone else. This vital energy remains captive, without my intention and focus to use as I choose. I now enslave and re-victimize myself.

If I am committed to emotional Sobriety, then I must also be committed to the following:

1. An acknowledge of the ways that I was victimized in my own life and societally.

2. A willingness to grieve these losses such that there is freedom and constructive use of emotions and energy.

3. Take actions that are in alignment with my time, focus and with my commitments in life, not using what was done to me as an excuse for not taking responsibility for the direction of my life, my relationships and my passion today.

I wish I had some magical pills to take or even steps we might try together to move into this very mature and sophisticated balance between grieving and acknowledging our losses and not using them to cripple and enslave us in our lives. I think it takes time, intention and the calling upon spiritual resources to assist in this way. We need emotionally sober relationships with others and circles of support, both personal and professional to learn these advanced living skills.

It's worthwhile, however. I image living my life in such a way that I have used the lessons from ways I have been oppressed and hurt to develop compassion for myself and others. I imagine from this I am able to be of service to others needing encouragement and partnership. I can offer compassion for their pain and losses and at the same time offer a hand in alliance when and if they want to work on behalf of their own lives and empowerment. This includes economic, spiritual and emotional liberation.

I think an emotionally sober life calls from within us the responsibility to give up our victimization and at the same time to be present to ours and others emotional and various injustices. For me, this requires a connection to a Spiritual Source. I need to be in communion with a power greater than myself that can and will heal and transform my ego wounds and pain.

The way to making a difference for others who are oppressed is first welcoming and allowing a difference in our own lives. We must be willing to authentic grieve and embrace ways we have been oppressed and victimized and do the further healing and empowerment work to keep from using this injustice to keep ourselves enslaved as victims.

Together we can,

Sally

Authentic Gratitude

    When I first began my personal journey of recovery and healing from my own addictions and began to seek emotional sobriety, I heard people in my support circles speaking about gratitude. Often, I would feel annoyed thinking that they were just in denial and not dealing with the real issues. How could people feel gratitude when dealing with their own character flaws and losses from childhood? At times I also judged that they were feigning gratitude as a way to avoid the real pain they were feeling. It took me time to experience emotional sobriety which led to authentic gratitude. I think they come hand in hand. Slowly, I began to feel some gratitude as I started to experience my own authentic feelings. I'd have moments of deep grief and moments of ecstatic joy. Overtime, these emotions balanced out, but initially it was an up and down journey. Developing emotional sobriety is like that, I think. First we begin to learn what emotions we are experiencing ourselves and then we learn how to hold these emotions rather than "acting them in" or "acting them out" in unhealthy ways. Once we have this foundation of emotional sobriety, we can be more intentional with our emotions.

    Today, while it can still be challenging at times, I do create intentional attention to gratitude as part of my journey of Emotional Sobriety. I notice the people that honor and bless me. I notice the ways in which synchronicity guides my life and I spend time each day in prayer and meditation. I appreciate the gifts that come my way. Often, I bring the very intense emotions and challenges that I am experiencing to my meditation and prayer practice and my spiritual connection helps to soothe their intensity. When I presence myself to my own Soul Partnerships and Spirit Guides, gratitude is inevitable. I am no longer run by my emotions and in the moments of serenity and calm, there is a sense of goodness and well-being that I experience. I guess in spite of myself, I feel gratitude more and more each day.

     In learning how to hold all of these emotions with grace and maturity, we develop emotional sobriety, which in turn creates the space for more and more gratitude in our lives. While there is a season and time for everything, including authentic grief, I think there is a season and time for gratitude as well. In our emotional maturity, we invite more and more joy and gratitude. This is good.

    Today I encourage you to breathe deeply and simply connect with what is going on inside your body, mind and spirit. Allow yourself to simply be with whatever is there be it gratitude, joy, fear, sadness, etc. Just practice being with whatever is there and inviting your own Spirit Guides and Divine Source to be there with you. As you begin to really anchor and trust the foundation of this Spiritual Connection, you will also begin to connect authentically with yourself. This connection to self and your own divine source creates emotional sobriety and also welcomes authentic grief. This authentic grief will lead you to the experience of authentic gratitude. 

Blessings on your journey, 

Sally

Welcoming Tension and Transformation.....

   Struggle is something we are all familiar with although how we define it may differ. It is an uncomfortable tension and perceived difficulty that causes us to thrash around a bit, either physically, emotionally or intellectually. There is something of spiritual necessity in the tension that is provided if we are open. Nature becomes an important teacher and mirror of this. Learning Emotional Sobriety means learning to be with tension in a healthy way.

   Metamorphosis is the name given of the rapid transformation of larva into a butterfly. The process begins with the female butterfly laying her eggs on a plant. As women and men, we can see this as a mirror of our lives when a dream deep within us is being acknowledged and we germinate a seed in our lives, putting intention and consciousness to this passion within us.

   The larva will emerge from the egg into a caterpillar and spends most of its time eating. As dreamers, this would be the time when we find comfort and nourishment for ourselves and our dreams. We find communities that "watch our back" and welcome our passions. These communities welcome our joy, our anger and our struggle without need to control or change us. These circles are open to our contribution, our growth and diverse perspective, knowing maturing communities grow in this tension as well. Hopefully, we mature together.

   Next, the pupa or cocoon becomes the protective shield while the caterpillar finishes growing. The scientific word for 'cocoon' is chrysalis, which means gold. Most of the transformation takes place with this shield, within the gold.

   Then comes a time of tension. For the caterpillar, there is pushing up against the sticky silken shield to develop strength and wing capacity. If the silken, sticky shield is cut prematurely and the caterpillar's process of pushing against the walls is interfered with, there are dire consequences and death. As human being, perhaps this struggle and tension is our own pushing up against deeply held beliefs that no longer mirror who we are growing into and who we have become. This tension may include questioning those in power, individuating from the communities that have nurtured us and finding our voice in our relationships. It is the time we find our own ability to lead and serve.

   Learning to hold the tension deep within, without "acting it out" or avoiding its discomfort, provides us the strength to emerge free in our own beauty and fly.

   Emotional Sobriety means learning to trust and hold this necessary tension. Emotional Sobriety and maturity comes when we learn to be with the tension and allow ourselves  to connect with our own spiritual resources within. This tension precedes grow and the emergence of strength and transformation.

   May you be blessed with tension and allow it to teach you about the spiritual resources available to you, the magnificent process of mature transformation and emotional sobriety.

With love,

Sally